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 Jay White2008-04-22T08:39:21.140-05:002 Ways To Fish For Friends By Using The Right Bait
For many years during my childhood, friends would come in and out of my life. I recall this being a hit to my self-esteem at times, while I was perfectly able to assign this blame to others as well. I mean it's perfectly feasible that my ex-friends and my ex-girlfriends were just sucky people, so why would I want to be friends with them anyway?
After years of people coming in and out of my life I made an important realization. The friends that I would have, and the people that would want to stay in my life, were directly correlated to how I would treat them.
About a year ago I was sitting at Dmitry's apartment. One of my best friends, that I often work out the details of this world with. I said to him "I want to possess the power to make deep personal connections with people within 15 seconds of meeting them." Fifteen seconds seemed like it was enough time, and a deep personal connection presented itself as a very admirable goal.
On many levels I have been able to accomplish this goal with people in my life. The results were astounding but they didn't come with me gaming the system or manipulating people. They came with two important distinctions.
The last point in my personal mission statement now reads, "The possibility that I have created for myself and my life is the possibility of being someone who operates with the greatest good of all in mind, and the possibility of living in the present."
- Have Their Greatest Good In Mind. This one distinction allowed me to come up to any person without fear. Whether it's a high powered CEO that I want to talk success with or a very pretty girl that I want to introduce myself to. When what you come with is the intention to bring value to a person you develop a very strong rapport that can be sensed as soon as people look at you.
You've heard people say "that guy looks slimy (car salesmen!) but I can't put my finger on it". Having people's good in mind gives people the exact opposite reaction to you. It's pleasant, comforting, and makes people want to develop a deeper connection with you, even after 15 seconds.
- Remarkable Presence equals Oozing Charisma. The reason that being really present with someone gives off such a high level of charisma and makes them want to be around you is that it makes them feel important.
Think about it. You create a moment where that person is the only thing that matters. You're listening to every word that comes out of their mouth as you watch their eyes with patience and understanding. The friends I have now are what I consider high quality people. Ambitious, high moral value, easy going, and relentlessly trustworthy. It's important that I have a high opinion of my friends. After all, we are all the average of the 5 people with whom we spend the most time. We owe it to ourselves to position ourselves within a high quality group.
-Alex
 Alex Shalman2008-04-21T12:18:21.308-05:00The Moment of Truth The following is an extract from one of my fave movies - A Few Good Men (or as it's known here in Australia - Three Grouse Blokes):
Jessep (Jack): "You want answers?"
Kaffee (Tom): "I think I'm entitled to them."
Jessep: "You want answers?"
Kaffee: "I want the truth!"
Jessep: "You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls. And those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall."
Maybe Jessep wasn't completely wrong... Sorry for boring you with half of the script but I love that part of the film (must be a boy thing). Even though Jack (sorry, Jessep) was kind of out of his tree when he spoke those words in the court room, he was, on a level, providing his audience with a certain degree of insight, honesty and truth. He spoke some truth about the truth. So to speak. And the truth is that many people don't want to hear the truth - they want to hear what they're comfortable to hear. So often we don't want to be confronted, challenged or questioned and we definitely don't want to have to change our beliefs, behaviours or habits. Too uncomfortable and too inconvenient. And too much work. We're fine with the truth so long as it doesn't mean that we have to modify or interrupt our lives in any significant way.
So instead of being open to learning some valuable truth, truth that could change our reality for the better, we often become defensive, critical and/or angry. Acknowledging certain things would mean that we'd have to do and be different... and that's the last thing we want to do, so we don't. "Let them do the changing."
Sorry for being honest... Over the years I have been abused by many people for being honest about certain important issues. I call it honest, they call it offensive. Funny that. Perspective can be the difference between being empowered and educated, and being a victim. People ask for me advice and then when I tell them what they don't want to hear, they criticize me. Apparently it makes them feel better about themselves. I never (ever) tell people the truth to hurt, discourage or criticize - only to help them create positive change in their life. And yes of course, there is a time, a place and a way to deliver certain messages with sensitivity and compassion, but there's also a time when we need to stop skirting the issues and actually deal with things head on - as unpopular and as uncomfortable as that may be. I wish I had ten bucks for every obese person I've spoken to over the years who 'hardly eats a thing'.
Amazing phenomenon that; self-generating fat. "So where did all this fat come from then Kelvin? I know a little about the physiology of the human body and I'm pretty sure that fat can't be spontaneously produced from thin air."
Harsh? Nope; honest. The truth. Sometimes, things are as offensive as we make them. We can get offended or we can get enlightened. Smart. Proactive. Different. We can make a positive from something we once would have made a negative. The important thing about truth is how we deal with it and what we do with it. And many of us deal with it badly. Or don't deal with at all.
Darn those big bones "Sure Kelvin, you can keep lying to about your big bones, your slow metabolism, your crappy genetics and your very healthy diet for the next five years, but the only person you're fooling is you. Everyone in the world except you (apparently) knows that you tell lies and eat too much food. Get your head around that truth and you might actually change your body.
My experience is that the majority of people lie when questioned in any depth about their lifestyle, exercise and nutritional habits. That is, they don't tell me the whole truth. They selectively leave things out. They are more concerned with 'looking and sounding good' than they are with telling me the absolute truth and genuinely addressing their problems in a real and practical way. Waddabout my hormones? Now, before you write in and tell me about hormonal issues and obesity... don't bother. Yes, I acknowledge that some people have significant problems with their endocrine system (it's actually a very small percentage of the overall population) but for this post and this lesson, these are not the people we're talking about. And by the way, if you think that our current global obesity epidemic is even vaguely because of 'hormonal issues' then you're extremely misinformed. Overall, we're fatter than ever because we eat too much and move to little... end of story.
Sure we can try and make it more complex and write another fifteen million books on the subject (and continue to go around in circles) or we can simply acknowledge the truth and do something about it.
There's a wacky thought.
A common Harperism that you'll often hear in my presentations is this:
"I can tell you what you want to hear, or I can tell you the truth... which would you prefer?" Some people respond positively to this statement, others cross their legs and arms (and brains) and assume the defensive position - clearly, I've come to destroy their lives. I can usually identify the non-learners and the brick walls even before I open my mouth. Their body language is screaming:
- I don't want to be here - but my boss is making me.
- Please don't refer to me, look at me, ask me a question or involve me in any way.
- I am absolutely not ready to change, so don't you dare try and make me!
- Anyway, who are you to tell me anything, you big tool?
The years have taught me to be selective and discerning about what truth I share, when and where I share it, and with whom. When I'm coaching people these days, the first thing I do is find out whether or not they're genuinely ready to step into reality and talk about the core issues (about their situation and problems) in a real, honest and truthful manner. If all they want is for me to hold their hand and tell them that their destructive behaviours are understandable and okay, then I tell them to come back when they're genuinely ready to change and to be honest and accountable.
I do not try to teach people who do not want to learn. And neither should you. It's an exercise in frustration and futility. And sometimes, hostility!
We all do it.
We all avoid the truth from time to time. I've done it, you've done it. It's easier. For a while. Then it's much harder. Much. We do it with our health, our relationships, our career, our finances, our destructive habits... our life. I've spoken about this phenomenon before, it's called head-in-the-sand-itis. Most times, dealing with and acknowledging the truth in a honest, logical and practical manner (especially when it comes to our own behaviours and habits) will save us plenty of time, heart-ache and frustration over the long term.
Ignoring the fact doesn't change the fact. It is what it is.
Sometimes we just need to open our eyes.
-Craig
 Jay White2008-04-21T08:33:45.036-05:00Is it Smart to Trade Time for Money?
Towers Perrin, a large human resource consulting firm, just published survey results revealing that most workers have strong negative emotions towards their work. I belonged to this group until several years ago when I decided to transcend my fear and transform my career from a wage earning software engineer to an entrepreneur.
This alchemy of professions has taught me a great lesson: Trading time for money is dumb thinking.
Most people grudgingly work at a job that they hate and become victims of their self-prophecy that they have to work to make money. The truth is shocking but you can quit that job you hate today and liberate your life to achieve the freedom that always eludes you.
Consider these five powerful reasons to manifest thoughts of freeing the precious time that you have been trading for a not-so-rewarding job.
- It's a never-ending cycle: Need for money forces you to work-eat-sleep, an endless loop. It's the craving for more rather than enough that victimizes your mind. We work hard to make more money to spend more money. It's a viral disease that spreads fast. Engaging in work that you hate only to buy a bigger house, Mercedes, cruises, jewelry, designer clothes makes you trade more of your time to buy more of same that you do not need.
- It's an earned income: You are not making what you've seen on your contract. Uncle Sam takes half of your paycheck before a tangible dime falls in your hand. Why? You are paying the federal, the state and social security taxes out of every dollar earned. Rich people work for themselves to build passive income that grows tax-free.
- Your goals are not yours: Individual freedom stems from the thoughts of making a determination about what matters most to you and your family. With freedom, you can work hard on your goals and achieve your dreams. However, when you trade time for money, your boss decides what you should achieve for the paltry raise. Selling your dreams for a meager pay raise is dumb thinking.
- It's risky: It's astounding to find that most people trade time for money with the fallacy of the myth that their job is safe. With the global economy at play, you'll see a pink slip someday. No matter how savvy you are, how adroit you are with skills unmatched by your fellow workers, somewhere in the world, someone will bid for the work that you do for less. There is no insurance for your job.
- Your income relies on you: This fable speaks volumes. You can be a powerful lawyer, doctor or an actor but your income grows linearly with the amount of sweat you trade for it. If you ever get disabled, chances are that your income will be disabled as well. No skill that requires time trading can replace the income to support the life-style that you once lived.
You can move inexorably toward freedom from this folly by starting now if you have the courage to take responsibility for your own future.
- Develop the habit to experience enough in life. By feeling you have enough food, house, car and clothes, you can repel thoughts of more to break the never-ending cycle that enslaves you to trade time for more money to sustain your life-style.
- Start investing 20 percent of your income into tax-free investments. For example, if you stash away 20 percent for investing in mutual funds, a Roth IRA, or real estate, you'll make your money work for you. With the law of compounding interest, someday you'll break the despair of the job you hate.
- When you work for yourself, you'll benefit from all your gains, and you'll suffer from all of your follies. You become the controller of your destiny rather than being controlled by your miseries. You'll experience energy and passion that you've never felt before.
- Risk is an abstract term. Nothing is riskier than to allow navigation of your lifeboat by someone who has their own interests at heart. Once you overcome the fear of shaping your own future, you'll find that your lifeboat needs you at the helm. There is no risk when no one can fire you.
- The apathy for quitting a job that you hate stems from the comfort that you feel every time you receive a paycheck from your employer. The fact is that, an apathy can be transmuted into an empathy by the cognizance that, you are working for money and with liberation soon in sight, money will work for you.
So what is your move? Are you content working for someone else?
- Shilpan
 Jay White2008-04-19T08:29:31.795-05:00The Causes of Stress and How to Overcome Them
Stress is one of the greatest causes of illness in our society today. It is possible that as much as 70% of all trips to the doctor can be attributed to stress. Stress is the great pretender, mimicking or contributing to nearly every ailment imaginable. In the interest of your own personal development, you need to be able to identify your sources of stress so you can control them.
In order to get control over your stress, something in your life must change. We all live with a certain degree of stress in our lives, but there is a point at which it becomes unmanageable, causing physical and mental illness.
Causes of stress can be broken down into internal and external stressors. External stressors are those things which we have no control over. Physical stressors can include a noisy environment, being overly hot or too cold, or feeling confined.
Major changes in your life can also cause stress, such as a lost job, the birth of a child, or a death in the family. Even that promotion you have been wanting will cause stress. Daily inconveniences create stress in our lives: rudeness of others, unreasonable rules at work or inefficient business practices, commuting, and deadlines.
Finally, you also have personally imposed stressors, such as a negative attitude, perfectionism, setting unrealistic expectations, self-criticism. As you can see, stress is hitting you from all angles.
Stress manifests itself in various ways, but there are three main categories where stress will begin to appear.
- Physical Manifestations: You may find that you are uncomfortable much of the time, suffering from headache, fatigue, sweating, or trembling. You may suffer from stomach cramps or nausea, or find you are always sick. The most serious physical effects include chest pains and heart palpitations, often mimicking the symptoms of a heart attack.
- Mental or Emotional Manifestations: Depression is probably the most common mental symptom of stress. More and more, people are seeking out treatment for depression when a few lifestyle changes might take care of the problem.
Other emotional or mental signs of stress include anxiety, frustration, irritability, indecisiveness, confusion, loss of humor, short temper, worry, nervousness, or a loss in concentration or memory.
- Behavioral: Any sudden change in behavior should be a signal that something is wrong. Some of the behaviors that may appear as a result of stress include crying, yelling, throwing things, smoking, drinking, eating, pacing, or other nervous behaviors such as nail biting.
In order to manage your stress you need to make some lifestyle changes. Here is a quick rundown of the simple changes you can make (as soon as today) to begin lowering stress levels.
- One of the simplest yet most effective ways to reduce stress is to eliminate caffeine from your diet.
- Elevated stress may cause weight gain so ensure you are eating a balanced diet and receiving plenty of exercise.
- The act of exercising greatly reduces the effects of stress on your body.
- Get enough sleep. Most adults do not get nearly enough sleep for the body to rejuvenate.
- Allow yourself leisure time to enjoy your hobbies like reading, sewing, or music.
- Try meditating or deep-breathing exercises.
- Allow yourself to have leisure time. Completely remove yourself from your environment, either for a few hours or for a real vacation.
You may also try changing some major things in your life. If you are in a job, or in a relationship, that causes you more stress than it does enjoyment, it may be time to leave those things behind. Quitting your job may not be so bad if the stress it causes you is likely to lead to a heart attack a few years from now.
Once you realize what is causing stress in your life, you can implement measures to control it. Controlling stress is not only important for your overall happiness and well-being, but for your health as well. Many serious diseases such as cancer are being linked more closely with stress, and scientists are finding new ways every day that stress impacts our lives. Do not let stress get in the way of your own personal development.
The most important thing to keep in mind, though, is that stress is mostly self inflicted. This means you have the means within yourself, and in your life, to counteract the effects of stress or to remove it altogether.
-David
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