The Week Of Sad Monkeys [Week In Review]

• Oh, what a week. Jory went to The Black Party, which isn't what it sounds like, except sorta. If it was what it sounds like, Mr. Lou Dobbs would certainly not be invited. (He would probably not be very comfortable at the real one either.)
  
• Sometimes we're jealous of our friends who got out. But trust us—we spent some time away from New York, and basically ended up like the sad monkey.
  
• So many things made us OUTRAGED! The MySpace suicide and the rising prices at the Time Warner cafe and Wal-Mart and the state of literature today and, uh, cancer. And TMZ, which is a form of cancer.
  
• Heidi Montag is to John McCain what Naomi Campbell is to hurting people, or something. It's been a long week.
  
• Barry Diller writes email in Comic Sans and bras don't need backs anymore. It's a crazy old world, all you can do is keep singing.
  
• One of us kinda had a little crisis this week when a rotund young internet person "snogged", as the tabloids probably don't actually say, the big-eyed cartoon troubadour John Mayer. Maybe it was that "punking" fellow's fault?
  
• EVERYBODY LIKES EVERYTHING, OK?
  
• Oh there was some April Fool's bullshit but we're not even going to link to it.
  
• Emily Brill had a sad, annoying license plate. Also sad/annoying: Hipster kickball. Maybe just sad: Either Jared Kushner or Ivanka Trump.
  
• Ladies! Stop writing about sex. If you need attention, yell at some doctors on Larry King.
  
• We feel like there's some pop cultural analogue for Charles Stam but we can't think of it. Max Fischer was the son of a barber, Tracy Flick was apolitical, Ferris Beuller was basically a spoiled Republican prick but he had that Cabaret Voltaire poster... oh well. Anyway, kid doesn't like us! Good thing our new office is guarded by hired goons.
  
• Hah.
  
• Nick hung out with all of his friends at a fun party.
  
• Rebecca left us, all too soon.
  
• I quit forever! Or until Wednesday, when I return from vacation.

Creepy Secret 'Radar' Owner Made Bill Clinton $12.7 Million [Ron Burkle]

So—the years of tax returns the Clintons just released? They'll be feeding crazy news stories throughout the weekend. (Friday afternoon news dump! Good work, Clintons!) We'll try to limit ourselves to this: Bill Clinton has made millions of dollars just for being friends with Ron Burkle. Back in 2001, Burkle, the supermarket magnate who secretly owns Radar, asked his good friend Bill to do some nonsense advisory work for Burkle's private equity firm, Yucaipa Companies. How has that worked out? Well! Bill reported $12,674,668 in income from Yucaipa between 2001 and 2006. All for flying around on Burkle's private jet with cute girls. Anyway this could be a bit of trouble for Bill because of the sleazy rumors and whatnot.

Chelsea Horror Hotel [Gentrification]

It's been a bad trip for the legendary bohemian Chelsea Hotel ever since longtime kooky owner Stanley Bard was kicked out as manager last year. As the Observer reports, Bard re-appeared to shoot an interview in the lobby of the hotel recently, and the following anecdote illustrates perfectly how the new corporate management are just complete tightasses: "The new management comes running out of the back and is like, 'You can't shoot that here!' said the writer Ed Hamilton, a 13-year resident of the iconic lodge on West 23rd Street. 'He tried to charge Stanley $600 to film in the lobby.'" [NY Observer] There are also several new books out or forthcoming about the Chelsea Hotel:

The aforementioned Ed Hamilton's Legends of the Chelsea Hotel: Living with the Artists and Outlaws of New York's Rebel Mecca, came out last year. Inside: The Chelsea Hotel is a new photography book by Antonin Kratochvil and Julia Calfee. 2007's Chelsea Hotel Manhattan, by Joe Ambrose, recalls "extreme living" inside the sacred space. And for those with the taste for the inventive and psychotic, there's the old classic Chelsea Horror Hotel, a novel by the late Dee Dee Ramone.

Tinsley Mortimer Talks Like I Think [Heroes Of Mine]

It wasn't made up! Tinsley Mortimer does talk in weird, nonsensical sentences about strange things, like I imagine her to. New York magazine caught up with the socialite at the Takashi Murakami celebration at the Brooklyn Museum last night, and managed to get some choice quotes out of her, mostly about funny little Japanese things. Find some quotes after the jump. (Also, a personal vindication/hideous embarrassment: this was sent directly to me, and not to "tips." People are catching on.)

On her outfit for the evening:

I thought, I need to wear a lot of color. I'm sick of it being freezing. It's been teasing me every day. And now it's freezing again, though it wasn't the day before.

I'm obsessed with everything in here. I want it all. I like the Japanimation sculptures, those anime creatures come to life. I love Japanimation. I love Sailor Moon. She, like, spins and glows light or something.

Wow. I'm sure there's not. But I'd definitely like to have some superpower. Maybe I could snap my fingers and be instantly dressed in a pink poofy dress, and my hair would be automatically curled, since it's naturally straight. Snap my fingers and my hair would be curled. That's a great superpower. It might not change the world, but it would help me a lot. The hair takes some time.

I went outside yesterday and I was very tired but also happy because I could see a cloud that looked like my old hamster, Tim Daniels. He was named after one of daddy's tennis friends who liked to go see musicals and sometimes he would take me and Dabney to get ice cream cones and I'd always spill but Tim Daniels would say it's ok. He had a nice friend that he lived with named Arthur Meckleburg. We named our iguana Arthur Meckleburg. I was looking at the cloud for a while and then Guadalupe said 'Meez Tinsley, you have been outside for hours!' So I laughed and she made me some fishsticks and then I cried for a while and then she taught me how to do her Mexi-Dancing. It was a great birthday.

(OK, that last one's not real.)

Breaking Political News [Breaking]

Richard took off for the day, just in time to miss the shocking news that nice young actress Heidi Montag is not registered to vote. Radar helpfully points her to voter registration sites so that she may help lead John McCain to victory. [Radar]

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