The Week America's Sweetheart Was Rumored to be Planning to Leave Us, Maybe [Week In Review]

• Your day editor missed two days of this week we've just finished, so we're sorta just making this one up. Maybe we will get into Yale? It will work beautifully until our vindictive gay lover exposes us. The Skull & Bones may be involved!
  
• Some people won Pulitzers, which upset Denton, because as soon as a paper wins one of those they start acting like these jerks.
  
• Everyone is gay, still. Especially us! According to Matt Sanchez, who is impressively crazy. No, seriously. Pretty much nuts.
  
• It's Tax Time! So here are some photos of naked ladies for you to click on. Here and here.
  
• Who would in in a fight between The Bible and a Jew? Television.
  
• Some people share too much. We hope they never ever stop!
  
• Also: comedy, gay crayons, the nation's bubblegum supply, and this little video Blakeley made of reporters getting hurt.
  
• We hate TMZ, Katie Couric hates getting a zillion dollars to read the news at CBS. So she's leaving! According to the Wall Street Journal. The Times got mad that the Journal printed this story so they printed their own story about it. And that magically made Katie decide to quit CBS, if she hadn't decided before, probably.
  
• Kickball!

Painful Conversation Starters For Talking To Celebrities [Awkward Encounters]

Liz Smith is awfully excited about her recent close encounter of the Clooney kind. She ran into The Salt-and-Peppered One at a recent party for Leatherheads at 21, and offers advice for conversing with the stars on her WowOwoW "women over 40" website.

What do you say when you actually encounter a famous name, and how do you avoid sounding stupid, lame and like everybody else? Peter Bart, who is the editor in chief of Variety, wrote about this the other day, saying fans usually offer up some version of "What's happenin,' dude?" which makes them feel "in," but may offend the celebrity. Others say, "I've always been your biggest fan" which is okay, but a little trite. (People often reverse this without thinking, saying, "You are my biggest fan!" Celebrities hear this one all the time.) Mr. Bart noted that we all grasp for some straw of familiarity with the famous.

Unless you're Michelle Tanner addressing Uncle Jesse before a live studio audience, you don't want to open any conversation with "What's happenin', dude?" Ever. Might we suggest: "I thought your decision to wear a shirt throughout the entire second half of Failure To Launch was extremely brave, Matthew."

Nina Garcia Ankles 'Elle'!! [Oh No]

Oh dear, what a week for Project Runway. First, the show is moving to the cat-lady network and now judge Nina "fashiondirectorforEllemagazine" Garcia is apparently gone as Fashion Director of Elle, according to WWD. Elle threw a party for Simon Doonan and Nina was "notably absent." Garcia was reportedly in the office this morning, but gone by the afternoon. What does it mean? How will Heidi explain who she is next season?

FYI [The Daily Show]

This thing the Daily Show did last night was pretty great, everyone! Though it kinda suffers from the same obvious "make your opponent look ridiculous through selective, out-of-context quotes" thing Fox does all the time but it's a comedy show so whatever. Our favorite bit was the shaky camera PR film! Lol @ Rupert Murdoch! [HuffPo]

"I'll never forget that time in the Tomb though." [From The Mailbag]

Recently, a mysterious figure known only as Commander McBragg began sending us thrilling and, he claims, true stories of his colorful life. A daring rescue by a young Hillary Clinton, late nights with Barack Obama, and, today, a little romance with a young woman named "Julia."

I remember back in 2002 when I was working as an operations research officer at the Concepts Analysis Agency at Ft. Belvoir, Virginia, and lived in a little one bedroom apartment off Ft. Myer Drive in Rosslyn near the Metro. It was early May and I was dating Julia, this chick I had met in a bar in Georgetown across the Potomac two months before. I'd always liked little brunettes and she was very outgoing and vivacious, but also seemed pretty frivolous and I had the feeling that if she graduated she would end up as a flight attendant for US Air if she was lucky, or a waitress at Bennigan's if she wasn't.

She was way younger than I was and I'd normally cruise for chicks my own age at the Ft. Myer Officer's Club, but one night I'd been eating raw clams and doing shooters in a bar on M Street with a Navy buddy back from the Gulf and there she was, wearing a blue polka dot top, khaki skirt and little ballet flats, with her hair pulled back in one of those headbands all the girls were wearing back then. I was almost old enough to be her father, but lucky enough not to be and I bought her a drink as I chatted her up.

It was a very scary time back then, less than a year after 9/11, with anthrax in mailboxes and rumors galore. Girls like her on the make usually went for the political types; newly minted PhD White House Fellows, congressional staffers, or assistant deputy secretaries of whatever. But, we had just finished pounding the crap out of Afghanistan, the Taliban were on the run, and military types like me had a temporary edge over the power-wonk monkeys, at least for awhile.

She had wanted to go home with me that night, but I was forecasting ammunition requirements for the upcoming invasion and had to give a 6am briefing in Crystal City the next morning so I put her off. Those were serious times. We traded numbers though and I told her I'd call her for Friday. I figured she was probably dating some guy on the Hoya football squad and I'd never see her again, but I was wrong.

At first I felt a little creepy with somebody that young, but you only live once and given where I might end up it might not be for that long, so I figured what the hell as long as I didn't get her pregnant. No wife for me, especially a college student child-bride, so I made sure to be careful. I was making good money, but not like those beltway bandits and Internet gurus, and I didn't want to screw it all up. Still, she was hot, if kind of flighty, and my buddies were envious, especially the married ones. Not that I brought her around much.

One weekend, right before I was due to ship out overseas to my next assignment, the weather was nice and we headed out to Mount Vernon, the plantation home of our first president, George Washington. It's a 500 acre estate and National Historic Landmark right on the Potomac, with the mansion house, four different gardens, forest trail and working farm, and is a very pleasant place to spend the afternoon. Julia enjoyed touring the house and gardens, but didn't want to spend much time in the museum.

As we strolled outside, I spotted the tomb of our first president and his wife Martha and we wandered over to pay our respects before heading back to DC. This was the "new" brick tomb built in 1831 to replace the original burial vault, but the old vault was still there with large iron doors sealing the entrance. Sort of as a joke I tried to open the doors and was quite surprised when I found the latch moved easily and the door swung outwards!

There was nothing inside, just a dirt floor and the air was a trifle musty, but there were no bugs or spider webs and we quickly stepped inside. Julia was reluctant at first, but I started kissing her and soon she responded. I knew this might be our last weekend together and since I might never return this time I didn't use a condom. She was too excited to notice and if fate would have me leave this earth, I wanted to leave my child behind.

I shipped out the next Monday and we kept in touch with email and traded a few actual letters. Julia didn't get pregnant as far as I know, and eventually the letters and email stopped coming. When I got back to the States I found she had moved on to somebody far more important and we didn't stay in touch. Later, I heard she had moved to New York and a buddy said he saw her on TV once, but I never did. I'll never forget that time in the Tomb though.

This is a true story, I swear.

Weekend! [Winners]

Since this photo is not brand new, I've been waiting for two weeks for an excuse to use it. And now I have one: it's the end of the day on Friday! AWSOME! [Asylum]

Kreepie Kats in "The Day My Nipples Stood Still" [Kreepie Kats]

[Today, Jim Behrle's kartoon kats, stuck at the airport, offer their patented homespun wisdom to possibly out-going CBS newsanchor Katie Couric, the Dalai Lama, and the Pope. Then they have a dildo war. Watch it above, or click here.]

Comical []

Houston Street, Gypsy tourists, existential angst, and the New York Times Style section. [Cat and Girl]

"What's this?" "It's a laminated free drinking card." [The Commies]

OMG. Richard is out of town this afternoon, and he's left the Commies to me. It's both a responsibility and a privilege. Each week, scores of people comment, sharing your thoughts and fears, hopes and joys. Sharing your snark. Yet each week, only a few are chosen as the best. Um, not that winning really matters! This week, it's all about how you feel.