She’s America’s Pastime Again [Madonna]

The Post is calling foul on Madonna's denials of a relationship with Alex Rodriguez. They say A-Rod paid a visit to Madge's Central Park West apartment the night after his wife gave birth in April, but maybe he was just going to study some Torah. Turns out the Yankee has been visiting Kabbalah centers in Florida, and may be interested in learning more about Madonna's shekinah. The Post notes that Madonna has "trained" with a lot of athletes, including Jose Canseco and Dennis Rodman. We'd also point out that Dominican Rodriguez fits in a lot more with the physical trends of Madge's dating past than pasty Guy Ritchie does. Madonna's spokeswoman assures us, "There are no plans for Madonna and Guy to divorce." Of course not. [Post]

Was Friedrich Hayek in Bio-Dome? [Shouting Heads]

From the serried ranks of pundits parsing polling data on cable news after every primary election, you'd think we have enough political commentators, but Fox News thinks we need one who was in Threesome. Today Stephen Baldwin joined Laura Ingraham on her new show Just In where he helped explain why wrong-headed Hollywood elites are backing Obama. Presumably they didn't have enough time to explain how gays, illegal immigrants and the Fifth Amendment are conspiring to hand American prosperity over to the mullahs. Back in the mid-90's, when we still had uses for the full contingent of Baldwin brothers, Entertainment Weekly described him as "handsome despite the fact that his head is shaped like a wedge of cheese." But times turned tough for the non-Alec Baldwins, and during Stephen's years in the wilderness, he found Jesus, and now Jesus has gotten him a gig as a cable news politico.

Stephen found Jesus in the autumn of 2001, if you catch my meaning, and was converted by his Brazilian housekeeper. It really seems like if you're yelling "Oh, Jesus" with a Brazilian housekeeper, it should be for a better reason.

Not long after his conversion, Stephen started to rebuild his career through appearances as the shouty Christian on celebrity reality shows like Celebrity Mole Hawaii, Celebrity Mole Yucatan, and Ty Murray's Celebrity Bull Riding Challenge. Finally making his way onto Celebrity Apprentice, where he managed to talk about his faith constantly while stabing other competitors in the back.

Stephen's wackjob political notions include telling Bono "You would do far more good if you just preached the gospel of Jesus rather than trying to get rid of Third World debt relief." He also said, "I think what America needs more than anything is a leader who's honest, who's truly a man of faith, and who allows that faith to make his decisions with his common good sense," when he endorsed Sen. Sam Brownback for President. Clearly, this man is the heart of America's conservative movement.

[via Radar]

30 Minute Proust [Rachael Ray]

Rachael Ray, America’s Favorite olive oil distributrix, has decided that her talk show, two Food Network series, magazine, cookbooks and Islamist Dunkin' Donuts endorsements are not enough. She's writing a memoir so we the hoi poloi can find out what it's like to say "So Delish" and "Yum-O" all the time. Well, according to Ted Cassablanca, Rachel's being rather difficult with her publishers, insisting on calling her memior EVOhno, and missing deadlines. This is not the perky, pliant Italian-Cajun girl I came to know and loathe on 30 Minute Meals, but it's hard to bargain with a woman who knows where to find the cheapest breakfast burrito in all 50 state capitals.[E! Online]

Florent Exits Not With A Whimper, But With A Typography Joke [Obit]

Restaurant Florent, a foot soldier in the gentrification of the Meat Packing District, has closed its doors, and with the removal of a single letter from the window, declared itself vacant. Alphabetical flourish is an appropriate goodbye for the 24-hour French restaurant as known for its matchbooks as its boudin noir. Tibor Kalman's bold typography and design was an important part of Florent's image, including an iconic 1985 menu which featured images culled from the Yellow Pages and matchbooks printed with the glossy images on the inside. Looks like New York Magazine will have to find a new stop number 10 on their Design Maven walking tour. [via Coudal.com]

Clay Felker: 1925-2008 [Obit]

Dorksplosion At The G4 Offices [Shouting Heads]

When Meltdown Comics in LA announced a debate to determine which of 20 nerd icons would win in a fight, the G4 internal email list erupted in a brawl to rival The Kinslaying. G4, America's leading source for news about places that don't exist and video of women eating hot dogs, employs an astounding number of dorks whose steady diet of Final Fantasy and hot pockets have prepared them for nothing so much as this fight. Honest, from-the-heart dorkcraft of this level is a thing rarely experienced outside of the Society for Creative Anachronism's annual Pennsic war. You can almost smell the diabetes and gout as you read their impassioned arguments. Some choice quotes and the full bracket of 20 badass competitors after the jump.

So Meltdown's 20 seeds were all pretty impressive:

Lara Croft / Batman / Gandolf [sic]/ Enid (Ghostworld) / Aquaman / Captain America / Pikachu / Wolverine / Iron Man / Alan Quartermine / Superman / Alien Queen (Aliens) / Terminator / Voltron / Wonder Woman / Darth Vader / Hulk / Spiderman / Thing / Star Buck (Battle Star G) / The Father from the Movie Happiness / The Borg / Thor / Jason Vorhees / Bionic Woman / Cloverfield Monster / Predator / Chewbaca / Snake Eyes (GI Joe) / Mr. Myagi / Freddy Krueger / Forrest Whitaker as Idi Amin

Aside from the spelling issues (maybe they're used to spelling Gandalf's name in Tengwar), the big failure is not specifying Original Universe Starbuck or Re-imagined Universe Starbuck. Alan Quartermain, Enid Coleslaw, and The Father from Happiness are all classy choices, but the G4 nerds have little concern for style, immediately narrowing the list down to Voltron, Gandalf or Thor. Rob R. opens with a classic "this is stupid" gambit.

Rob R.: This contest is stupid.
Everyone on that list is mortal, except for Thor and Gandalf. You could possibly include Jason Vorhees and Freddy Krueger if you consider them some sort of transformed demonic creatures. But of these only Thor and Gandalf have any real God-like abilities. Since Gandalf is actually a demi-God (a Maia), Thor is clearly superior.
Thor is a God, therefore he can't be killed by mortals, so eventually he would win any combat. Gandalf would hold his own for a while, but as a demi-God (a Maia) he would not be as powerful as a full God. Although he could not be killed either, he could eventually be subdued and imprisoned by Thor.

Unfortunately, he trips over his knowledge of Norse god immortality, and the nerds begin to feed.

Gerry D: Part of the cycle of the Norse Gods is to experience Ragnarok (Viking apocalypse)... At which time, everything is renewed. Including Thor. Therefore, even if it were theoretically possible to defeat the Odinson, he would simply re-spawn, and possibly even angrier then when he was killed.

Matt K. : Only after a major continuity-borking crossover, though.

The conversation quickly dissolves into an argument about the respawn rate differences between Gandalf and Thor, then is destroyed by a Ragnarok-like picture of coffee.

Your picks for the winner of the Meltdown Tournament of Nerds, and your picks for which G4 dork would last longest in a Halo 3 rumble pit would be much appreciated.

[The Feed]

Exxon Presents: Human Pathos [Media]

This Onion parody of morning news product integration is a smirk-demanding indictment of a news media being hollowed by integrated advertising. What's really interesting, though, is that it's not just a really good parody of morning news or product integration. (Yeah, because we totally need another sketch lampooning product integration.) The surprise is that it's really good war criticism of a kind we haven't seen. Sure, Colbert and Stewart mock the war, but in abstract, verbal terms. It seems like the Pentagon ban on images of soldiers bodies returning to the States has seeped into the rest of the media. Video after the jump.

TV parodists have been too scared to directly address the loss of human life. Sure, it's hard to be hilarious about tragedy, but it's surprising so few satirists have taken on the human element of the war in this way. The piece also takes on the way politicians and the media have used patriotism and the war to morally raise topics above debate; if they mention the bravery of a soldier, you can't question the next thing that comes out of their mouths. For a war so frequently associated with the commercial interests of the President and Vice-President, it's stunning it's taken five years to get a sketch that hits the point so perfectly. Comedians don't want to be crass in pointing out that corporations are sponsoring the loss of human life, but flag waiving polticians have kept them cowed too long. Also, mad props to The Onion for putting the resources into their fake news to get the tone and visuals just right. They're doing classier work than most of basic cable.

[via Columbia Journalism Review]

Tomorrow's Headlines Today [Photoshop]

We can't wait for tomorrow's New York Post, so here's the tabloid treatment of Madonna's possible affair with baseball player Alex Rodriguez. Photoshop by Jim Cooke (left) and Steven Dressler (below). The headline's from Deadspin's A.J. Daulerio, unless he stole it from someone else. Here are some other suggestions from Daily Intel and Best Week Ever. Can you trump them? Try—in the comments.

Six Months Later [About]

Without any breakout story, Gawker's pageviews last month were 16.7m. That's 108% ahead of the level at the end of last year. But now comes that slow-news time of year that—in ancestral Hungary—they call the cucumber season.

Cute Polar Bear Solves Energy Crisis [Advertising]

If you're an energy company trying to get the public to like you, there's only one way to go: cute polar bears. Forget about the energy crisis. Look at the polar bears! National Grid has wisely picked the salvation of polar bears as its charity of choice, and they have a sweet website full of sweet animated polar bears. Even better, they have a TV ad to fulfill every kid's dream: a nice cute polar bear pet! They're all so cuddly and friendly, we wuv them. Shortly after this commercial wrapped, four children were viciously mauled by polar bears (NOT REALLY). Below, the adorable ad that will make you visit the Arctic for a polar bear of your very own. Yay, energy companies!

[via Adrants]

Lara Logan and the War Correspondent Sex Scandal Double Standard [War His Hell]

CBS war correspondent Lara Logan was recently promoted to "Chief Foriegn Affairs Correspondent," but no one noticed because OMG SEX SCANDAL! The Enquirer broke it, the Post semi-legitimized it, and it's been mentioned now in, like, real newspapers and everything. She slept with some people in Iraq! One of them was married! Some wonder if there is maybe a double standard. Would we hear about the dalliences of male journalists in the war zone? Well... sort of?

It's sort of a fact of war reporting that, you know, people are going to fuck around. They're far away from home, they're only in contact with other journalists, contractors, and soldiers. Passions run high! Etc! But the other fact of the matter is that if there is going to be a scandal of this nature, chances are decent that it will involve a man and a lady. Like in this Logan situation, where we're not hearing much about CNN correspondent Michael Ware, one of the alleged "beaus." Well, we're hearing plenty about him, but he's not in the headlines. So there's your sexist double standard, obv—we castigate the pretty lady for having sex and boys will be boys.

But there's an exception! (Once again, sort of.) Balk, refuting the idea that we wouldn't "read these stories about a male correspondent," reminds us of Dexter Filkins and John Burns. Filkins and Burns are star New York Times reporters who were involved in an imbroglio when another Times correspondent emailed their wives exposing their overseas extramarital affairs. That reporter, Susan Sachs, was fired. So the affairs of Burns and Filkins were exposed, yes, but most of the coverage was about that firing, and Howard Kurtz didn't even mention the names of Filkins and Burns, even though, as in Logan's case, those names were already "out there."

So yes everyone is being totally unfair to Lara Logan but whatever, it won't really cost her much more than a headache, we're pretty sure.

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