Michael Lohan Offers Seminal Story [Scandal]

Following the accusation of an Montana woman that he fathered her 13 year old daughter, Michael Lohan has agreed to a paternity test, the results of which he plans to sell to the highest bidder. Mike's been trying to get $20,000 from one of the weekly entertainment mags, but has thus far failed. Like a zoo animal, Michael Lohan has lost the ability to fend for himself, and must look to OK! magazine for all sustenance. It's sad. On the upside, if Ashley Kaufmann is part of the Lohan clan, she can look forward to a distinguished career as a drunk secret-lesbian or teen who looks like she's 40.[P6]

The One Where They Hold Out For $10 Million Each [The Cinema]

The success of Sex and the City has convinced execs that film versions of beloved 90's sitcoms are a good idea, so a Friends movie is on the way. The article emphasizes Jennifer Aniston's role in the decision making process and speculates she's jealous of Sarah Jessica Parker's recent success. We should put together a magazine exclusively dedicated to speculating about Jennifer Aniston's emotions. It seems to be a popular preoccupation these days.

This is a horrible idea. Sex and the City was pay cable and it was classy. Watching it always felt like you were getting a little gem. Sometimes the gems sucked, but the irregular production schedule and HBO gloss made you feel like it was special. Also, partial nudity!

Friends was sharp, sure, but it was mass produced. We've got 238 episodes of it, and we've spent the past 10 years catching re-runs of it at 6:30 because we had nothing better to do between the gym and dinner. The characters are definitely beloved, but I don't know if a movie feels appropriate to it.

One issue is that Friends was a old-school three-camera sitcom. The genre leads to an unusual level of reality that can be hard to could be hard to bring to the screen. Also, they're old. Do we want to see Phoebe Buffay in her late 40s?

The biggest question, though: Can they get Marcel the monkey to sign on?

[Daily Mail]

Love Don't Live Here Anymore [Scandal]

The Daily News is reporting that Alex Rodriguez and his wife, Cynthia, have split after a well publicized rocky patch in their marriage. First A-Rod was linked to Madonna, then Hank Steinbrenner blamed his poor play on "outside distractions", then word came out that Cynthia had her own distractions with Lenny Kravitz. While finger pointing helps no one, it should be noted that A-Rod, Madonna and Lenny Kravitz all have the same manager, Guy Oseary. Take a note, folks, only sign with entertainment representation who have really ugly clients. The couple has separated, but it's unclear whether they intend to divorce. If so, Cynthia will get lots and lots of cash to roll around in: A-Rod makes $28 million a year. Madonna's reps continue to deny any relationship with Rodriguez. [NY Daily News]

Scientists Hope To Prove Hilarious Pun [Science]

It is a well-settled fact that melons give guys boners, what scientists hope to prove is that more kind of melons than we thought can achieve this end. Watermelon, the official vodka receptacle of Independence day, contains citrulline, an amino acid which can trigger a process similar to the effects of Viagra. "Watermelon may not be as organ-specific as Viagra, but it's a great way to relax blood vessels without any drug side effects." Pro tips: most of the citrulline is found in the rind, and yellow-fleshed watermelons have the highest concentration. Oh, and there's no possible way you're eating enough melon to affect your wang. You'd need to eat about 6 cups of watermelon to get any effect, and watermelon's diuretic power would problematize such effects. In conclusion, the most sure-fire ways to get erections are the most time honored: porn and riding the bus.

[AP]

Meet the Shack [Culture]

The $7 hot dog has new competition at Shea Stadium: the homey slurry of deliciousness that is Kozy Shack pudding. "Kozy Shack, which is based in Hicksville, N.Y., is trying to position its products as a healthy alternative to the foods that most people look forward to at a ballgame." Since it's a mixture of cream, sugar and eggs, a baseball stadium is probably the only place that Kozy Shack is, by comparison, healthy. Custard-skeptics argue that "Walking into a game, that's the last thing that I'd want." These people have never experienced the raw pleasure of spitting tapioca pearls through a straw at people 3 rows in front of you. Kozy Shack will continue to give out free pudding one day each month through September. The next pudding day is July 25. Let's hope Kozy Shack has invented a flavor in orange and blue by then.

[Times]

Charges Dropped Against America's Most Douchebaggiest Model [Douchebags]

The irrationally cocky Russian guy from America's Most Smartest Model has had charges of harassment and sexual abuse dropped by the New York DA's office. Andre Birleanu was one of the dominant personalities of VH-1's America's Next Top Model, a show beloved by all who enjoy hilarity and/or masturbation. He managed to make it all the way to the finals but got beaten out by a blander, boringer, but still freakishly hot guy named VJ. Late last year a 19 year old actress alleged Birleanu grabbed her inappropriately and touched her genitalia at an industry party. A super-hot guy who has an overdeveloped sense of sexual entitlement? That just doesn't make any sense. Birleanu's reading of the situation was quite sensitive. "I didn't molest anyone... I already slept with that girl, so it's strange she would say I touched her inappropriately."

I've always said, the same rules applies to penises and vampires: once you invite them in, they're always allowed to return. Also, garlic burns them.

According to buddytv.com, Andre's not unfamiliar with the business end of a gavel.

This is far from the America's Most Smartest Model contestant's first run-in with the law. The Post also reports that law enforcement sources have said that he “has served a half-dozen prison stints since 2000 on charges including assault, harassment, criminal contempt, criminal mischief and trespassing.”

One recent incident included an accusation of harassment and stalking. In this case, the accuser claimed that he left her “menacing messages,” grabbing her hair and threatening to break her legs.

And in 2003, he served 6-months in jail for harassment, contempt and assault.

Thank God the DA's office has decided to let Mr. Birleanu alone. Isn't the real crime here the idea that a man with really low body fat and extremely symmetrical features would have to ask a woman before touching her pudding pie?

[Post]

The Fifteen Most Useless Internet Euphemisms [Jargon]

"We didn't attempt to silence Violet. We unpublished our own work." That's how Boing Boing defended their decision to delete every post on their blog referring to sex writer Violet Blue for no given reason. The team's refusal to explain further turned this obscure event into a giant blog fight: because a couple of bloggers hid behind mealy-mouthed words instead of coming out firing all weapons, like proper Internet talk is supposed to go. Driven by the same old ass-covering impulse, anyone trying to make a buck uses bland business-speak online: "Restructuring" for mass layoffs, "brand advertising" for ads that no one clicks. Below are over a dozen such terms and their true definitions.

• Unpublished: Blacklisted. Made famous by Boing Boing, who insists that they didn't violate their standards of openness by hushing someone up.
  
• Brand advertising = Bad clickthroughs. "We have a clickthrough rate of one in ten thousand, but we're more of a brand destination."
• Influential: Unread. If a site isn't popular, it insists its small audience is made of "influentials" or "early adopters."
• Update: Fix. On a blog or in a program, an update means something was broken.
• Experimental: Failed. Everyone secretly hopes their projects take off, so they can say "Oh, it was just a fun little project!" More often, the project gets just the attention it deserved: none.
• Long tail: Obscure. Because it's a book title, "long tail" has a cache that hides its actual meaning: things that get very little attention and only matter in aggregate.
  
• Stealth marketing: Hoax. "Viral campaigns" like the dubious ad for headsets that showed phones popping popcorn (a scientific impossibility) are just fraudulent hoaxes. Putting them on YouTube doesn't change that.
  
• Platform: Vague idea. Instead of a useful tool, a tool for other people to make useful tools. Possibly a cash cow, but boring. (For a geekier set, a platform is for those too lazy to code; an API is for those too lazy to write a platform.)
• Pile-on: Unanimous criticism we're ignoring. Used by Boing Boing to imply that the lucrative commercial six-person blog had no chance to defend themselves from the masses of powerful, uh, blog commenters.
• Stepping up: Stepping down. Used when a CEO is pushed out and exiled to the board or made "president."
• Beta: Broken. For some web services, "beta" is as regular as PMS until Google buys the company.
• Viral: Cheap. Of course, sometimes that's the kind of ad a brand deserves. Note which brand was faster to jump on viral videos: Not Coke, but Mentos.
  
• Restructuring: Mass layoffs. Even shiftier than "downsizing."
• User-generated: Quality-deprived. Or "can't afford an NBC deal." Except for a few impressive exceptions, user-generated content is a swamp not worth slogging through, which is why sites like YouTube set up a partner program for "better" producers.
• Contextual advertising: Bottom-of-the-barrel ads. What's left over after "brand advertising" and served with "user-generated" content.
  

America's Fattest Newspaper Goes On A Scary Diet [The Chart]

Tribune Company's Los Angeles Times is one of the most hard-pressed big-city newspapers: the parent company is over-leveraged; the local market reeling from a real estate crash; and like all papers the LAT is suffering from competition from the internet. Even so, the 150 newsroom layoffs announced today are shockingly swingeing. Together with buyouts announced at the start of the year, the latest cuts will leave the Los Angeles Times—once one of the fattest papers in the country—with 20% fewer editorial positions than last year and 42% fewer than a decade ago.

From: Stanton, Russ
Sent: Wednesday, July 02, 2008 2:05 PM
To: yyeditall
Subject: Newsroom job cuts

Colleagues:

You all know the paradox we find ourselves in: Thanks to the Internet, we have more readers for our great journalism than at any time in our history. But also thanks to the Internet, our advertisers have more choices, and we have less money. Add to that a poor economy, particularly for us in the California housing market, and you quickly see why a wave of cutbacks has swept through newsrooms this year from New York to Santa Ana.

We are not immune. As David Hiller mentioned in his memo last week we are embarking on another round of cost cutting. I deeply regret to report we will be reducing the size of our editorial staff, both print and Web, by a total of 150 positions, and reducing the number of pages we publish each week, by about 15%.

These moves will be difficult and painful. But it is absolutely crucial that as we move through this process, we must maintain our ambition and our determination to produce the highest-quality journalism in print and online, every day.

Through all of our changes, we continue to give readers terrific coverage, whether it's the continuing collapse of the housing market, public pools that have been taken over by gangs, or the controversy surrounding liver transplants at one of our most prestigious hospitals. We've provided insight into the historic presidential campaign, and we've delivered exclusive, on-the-scene looks at the brutal repression in Zimbabwe and the continuing war in Iraq. The future of The Times, in print and on the Web, depends on that kind of journalism — exclusive, original, excellent. We will not retreat from that commitment.

I don't yet have all the details on the reductions to come, but we expect to complete these moves by Labor Day. We'll provide more information, including the severance terms, as soon as we can. As part of this process, we will be combining the print and Web staffs into a single operation with a unified budget.

I appreciate your patience, understanding and cooperation during this difficult time. John, Davan and I, and the rest of the senior editing team, will be available to answer your questions. With more than 700 people, we will remain one of the largest and best newsrooms in the country. And we will continue to be a strong and formidable presence in the business we so dearly love.


Russ Stanton
Editor
Los Angeles Times

Is A-Rod's Wife Also Having an Affair... with Lenny Kravitz? [Executive Summary]

Supposedly, the Yankee player's wife, Cynthia Rodriguez, is in Paris with Lenny Kravitz right now. Fun fact? Kravitz and rumored A-Rod lover Madonna used to hook up, as well. Another fun fact? Kravitz has been practicing celibacy for the last three years. Confused by all these facts? Check out our handy chart.

Who Really Wrote Sex And The City? [Candace Bushnell]

As we reported yesterday, Candace Bushnell uses a character in her next novel to retaliate against the disrespectful new generation of journalists which has emerged since the Sex And The City creator gave up her relationship column in the New York Observer. The bogeyman of One Fifth Avenue is Thayer Core—"a blogger on one of those vicious new websites that had popped up in the last few years, displaying a hatred and vitriol that was unprecedented in civilized New York." But the thin-skinned author gives the gossip blogs far too much credit.

For instance, neither Gawker nor its counterparts have ever properly examined the extent to which Bushnell even penned those original Sex And The City columns—upon which the HBO show was based—during the 1990s. The name was the idea of Peter Kaplan; and the Observer editor said ten years ago that there was "blood on the floor" after some editing sessions. But veterans of the weekly say it went beyond that: the columns owe more to Peter Stevenson, executive editor of the Observer, than the rambling drafts that Bushnell submitted. One hopes she secured an equally competent ghost-writer for the blog-bashing new novel.

Aphorisms [Ronn Torossian]

Hey look, there's a new interview out with entrepreneurial success story Ronn [sic] Torossian, head of 5WPR. "The person who succeeds at 5W is someone who would find their way out of a room without a window or door. And do it quickly," he says. Oddly, that makes perfect sense. [PRNewser; RonnTorossianPR.com]