It seriously was one of the most servicey weeks we've had in some time.
read more Week in Review dear the internet everyone come to my bbq Fri, 27 Jun 2008 18:15:00 EDTPareene
A Verie Spekial Summer Friday After Work Kreepie Kats Spekial: "I Have a Book Proposal in My Pants: Getting the Literary Immortality You Deserve" [Kreepie Kats]
[Jim Behrle and his kartoon kats are never afraid to be servicey. Today, they explain how you can write a book and change the world! Step one: charm a monkey. Animated fun, below.]
read more kreepie kats i think i got herpes from reading your twitter Literature Fri, 27 Jun 2008 18:03:49 EDTPareene
The Internet's 5 Scariest Seducers [Urban Anthropology]
Dimitri the Lover is a man with a seduction manual to sell. (Men with "seduction manuals" are the new twentysomething-girl "sex columnists"!) We introduced you to him yesterday, via his awesome "If you're on any sort of medication for anxiety or depression, I'm not interested" voicemail. As the weekend is fast approaching—and because we're not afraid to be servicey—we've gone ahead and compiled a shortlist to some of the worst daters roaming the bars and streets, completely unfettered by shame.
1. Dimitri the Lover: We were just introduced to this gentleman yesterday via two long and self-involved voicemails that the Greek stud left to an "elegant" lady. He's "very single," has "no trouble meeting women; I mean, women approach me six or seven times a day. But I'm extremely particular about what I like." In the second, more threatening voicemail, he adds that, "I'm giving you the three o'clock deadline. If I don't hear from you by then, you lose my number—I'm erasing your number right now, so you won't be hearing back from me."
2. Prescott Hahn: We still barely know who the infamous "Fashion Meets Finance" "hedge-fund" dater even is. But simply attending such a themed douche-dating event gives us pause. A long pause.
3. Paul Janka: The creepy sexual compulsive's fetish is picking up women on the street, in the subway, or—and here lies his genius—in his apartment. (First dates typically take place tere.) Unfortunately, his little games have taken a turn for the dark side and we're hoping someone brings him up on charges.
4. The Craiglist Cash-Waver: Aw, he's not that bad, really. We admire any man who proudly poses in over a dozen Craigslist personal-ad pics wearing shutter shades and waving a cash-fan. But then he encouraged us to mock him further in an epic phone call to our office, which was recorded for posterity.
5. John Fitzgerald Page: By now we're all familiar with the man who proudly carried the title "the worst person in the world;" he carried his hubristic Match.com gaffe ("6 pictures of just your head and your inability to answer a simple question lets me know one thing. You are not in shape") into fame and fortune. Well, mostly just an appearance on CNN and the Dr. Phil Show.
Well, that's it for tonight. See you at the singles bar!
read more urban anthropology Douchebags Jezebel Top Fri, 27 Jun 2008 17:33:43 EDTSheila
How To Not Storm Off the Internet in a Huff [Not Afraid To Be Servicey]
Yesterday, a grown man threw a tantrum and stormed off the internet. Because we bullied him. It wasn't pretty. Are we proud? Well, it's a living. We spent today mulling over some wise advice we received. And, of course, it's true. We should be constructive! In the spirit of friendship, we'll explain how to survive the Internet without letting the bastards get you down. Heed our words, and you'll never have to shut down another blog. Or quit a message board, or ban yourself from a comments section. Never again will you hear the sirens of the waaaahmbulance.
Know the Sharing/Oversharing Divide. A bit of personal info—we have a kitty!—makes you a friend. Too much personal info—check out my facial!—makes you a target. This is not even a fine line. It is a very obvious line. It is the line that drove Julia Allison off the net before. Since her return, she, surprisingly, has not really crossed it! Don't Write Like An Asshole. Kinda hard to quantify this one, right? Especially because some of us make our livings acting like pricks all day. But writing assholish things and writing like an asshole are different! Keith Gessen often Tumblrs like an asshole. Yes, you have a fine little magazine, but the I'll buy you a beer if you are half as impressive as me when you're my age thing is one of the douchiest things we've ever read, especially because dude is not actually Norman Mailer yet. Ditto for Lodwick's contention that his pretty websites "change the world." No, they don't! Maybe "asshole" just means "solipsist?" It does seem to, doesn't it. Which brings us to: Manage Your Narcissism. Please. And: Have a Sense of Humor Please. STOP DIGGING. You're mocked or attacked. Respond with a cutting counter-attack, a reasonable and self-reflective defense, or DON'T RESPOND AT ALL. Or email the author and make friendly! This secret tactic usually works wonders. DON'T flail about helplessly in the comments section, where you'll be piled on. Don't post something hurt and whiny that reinforces whatever real or imagined fault you were attacked for. Bite back and enjoy the game or ignore it and move on with your life. Mr. Keith Gessen sort of did this, which is why we'll link to his cute puppy pictures.Man Up. This advice is very sexist but also sadly useful. Own Your Terrible Gimmick This is basically summed up as "fuck the haters." It means that when we (or anyone else!) do things like this to you, you do this.Read This.Will Leitch is leaving the internet, but he imparted wisdom on his way to print. Be Like Doree Everyone likes Doree. Everyone! Look at how she deflects criticism!Don't Storm Off the Internet In a Huff. It's embarrassing. Also it makes the entire internet indistinguishable from LiveJournal, which is depressing.
We hope this helps all you Tumblrs and Tweeters out there! You whiny idiots!
read more not afraid to be servicey Advice diggbait Gawker How To Howto Internet Jakob Lodwick julia allison keith gessen Listicle Top tumblr Fri, 27 Jun 2008 17:31:19 EDTPareene
When They Were Young [Photo Album]
Bob Colacello's party photographs from the 1970s—when the reporter edited Andy Warhol's Interview magazine and chronicled New York's social scene—are strangely poignant. To think that immortal Chelsea boy Calvin Klein (top) was once so debonair! Grizzled mogul Barry Diller (pictured with Diane von Furstenberg then and now) had such a seductively wicked smile. It's hard to imagine Vogue's André Leon Talley (pictured next to Studio 54's Steve Rubell and Warhol) as anything other than the imposing African cardinal he plays on the red carpet. And then one remembers that today's socialites will one day appear equally ludicrous to the generation that comes after them, evidence that they were ever young buried in Patrick McMullan's photo database.
read more photo album Andre Leon Talley Barry Diller Calvin Klein Diane von Furstenberg studio 54 Fri, 27 Jun 2008 17:21:26 EDTNick Denton
Mandatory Events In July [Ronn Torossian]
Famous dirtbag political hack Roger Stone is going to be a July 25 guest speaker at the offices of 5WPR, run by famous dirtbag flack Ronn Torrossian. Never again will you have the opportunity to see so many esteemed -acks in a single room! Click through for the RSVP information. Everyone is expected to attend. [Really, anybody want to go report on this one for us? Email me.]
read more Ronn Torossian roger stone Speeches Fri, 27 Jun 2008 17:18:29 EDTHamilton Nolan
"A Great Big Steaming Pile of a Somebody" [The Commies]
Happy Pride weekend y'all! I hope you'll celebrate somehow, in any small way, because the gays love you and you should love us. I, particularly, love the six commenters who will be awarded with Commies—which recognize the best comments of the week—after the jump.
From lionel-mandrake in The Blackberry Continues to Destroy the Workplace: "I detested my Blackberry so much, it triggered my one and only incidence of sleepwalking. I woke-up in the middle of the night while in the act of pouring an entire pitcher of water on the thing. I'd been dreaming I was killing the witch from The Wizard of Oz. " —Sheila's pick
Party Pick goes to the departed AndSheSaid, who fumed in Beloved Author to Buy You a Beer Someday, Young Ones: "In my twenties I failed to achieve the distinction of becoming the voice of smug, narcissistic and privileged dick-headedness. But then again no one could ever supercede Gessen's level of success as he defines it.
Just to name three off of the top of my head: Emily Dickinson, Vincent Van Gogh and Marcel Proust would have all failed to meet the standards of success that warrant a beer from Mr. Gessen. I feel certain that he will never achieve their levels of failure.
You want to talk about what is wrong with NY literary culture. Here it is. They don't have a fucking clue about the world outside of themselves and so they can't begin to create art that actually has something worthwhile to say. Under all of the posturing they ultimately just reify the most conventional, banal sentiments of the day.
'I'm nobody! Who are you?' Emily Dickinson asked. Well Gessen is a great big steaming pile of a somebody."
OK, that's it. Nothing more. Enjoy your weekends everyone. Go drink a pink beer or listen to some showtunes or go see a Paula Poundstone show or just hug somebody you like.
read more The Commies commenters Fri, 27 Jun 2008 17:15:00 EDTRichard
Good Clean Fun [Cookiepussteroids]
The name of an online game for kids to play on Carvel Ice Cream's website: COOKIEPUSSTEROIDS. Carvel has gotten a lot more hardcore since I was a kid. [via Adrants]
read more Cookiepussteroids carvel Games Fri, 27 Jun 2008 16:37:53 EDTHamilton Nolan
The Moment of Impact [Pic Of The Day]
The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.[Super-dreamy Portugese footballer Cristiano Ronaldo (Manchester United) dives into the seas off of Sardegna today. The image, via Splash, was presented at this peculiar angle on the agency's website. Love it! Click through for larger.]
read more Pic Of The Day Cristiano Ronaldo Fri, 27 Jun 2008 16:25:00 EDTRichard
The Nail In The Coffin For Amy Sacco? [Nightlife]
Is this the end of Amy Sacco? We're going to say it is. The onetime NYC nightlife queen's restaurant Bette in Chelsea—formerly considered a complement to her club Bungalow 8, a food-and-fun empire that would never be destroyed—is closed. No big to-do; just a lock on the door, and the end of an era. What happened?
At Bette last night for the closing party. I live and work in the area and dined there fairly regularly. The bartender told me that Amy Sacco sold the restaurant and gave the staff about 8 hours notice.
Cold. Why, we remember a few years back when we were talking about Sacco's "quest for total domination," and HBO was planning a story about her rise to fame. She had so much success in the city, she said she'd rather die than return to her native Jersey.
Sacco recently called New York nightlife—and herself—"overrated." Now she's been proven right.
read more Nightlife Amy Sacco Bette Bungalow 8 Clubs Dead ends Gossip Nightlife Obituaries Restaurants Fri, 27 Jun 2008 16:14:33 EDTHamilton Nolan
The 20 Words You Can't Say on Cellphone TV [Words]
Just as the late, great George Carlin had his wonderful 7 Words You Can't Say on Television bit, comedian Max Silvestri now knows of 20 or so words that one just cannot say on Verizon's VCast cellphone television programming. Silvestri (of the delightful Gabe and Max's Internet Thing) attempted to say the word "choad" on a podcast that was to be distributed to mobile companies. Curious as to why that word, out of so many, was singled out, he went in search of Information. He was eventually given a detailed list of inappropriate content and verbiage that will be censored, including the ultimate list of 20 "Level 0" no-no words that can never, under any circumstances slip from the lips on VCast. That list includes the obvious "n-word" variations (but, apparently, other racial slurs are A-OK?) and the typical group of naughty sexual terminology. Makes sense, fair enough. But um, why make the "cornhole"/"corn-hole" distinction? And what in green acres is a "Ruby Red Bag"? Oh, it's this. Check out the full list after the jump, and perhaps add your own colorful words in the comments!
[Jim Behrle and his kartoon kats are never afraid to be servicey. Today, they explain how you can write a book and change the world! Step one: charm a monkey. Animated fun, below.]
Dimitri the Lover is a man with a 
Yesterday, a grown man 
Happy Pride weekend y'all! I hope you'll celebrate somehow, in any small way, because the gays love you and you should love us. I, particularly, love the six commenters who will be awarded with Commies—which recognize the best comments of the week—after the jump.
Just as the 
