Uma Thurman Prepares for Respectable, Passionless Third Marriage [Gossip Roundup]

• Uma Thurman, tired of the smell and nanny banging of being married to a celebrity, gets engaged to a nice, boring financier who dated Elle Macpherson.[US Magazine]
• • David Archuleta says he's never kissed a girl and wishes he were Sarah Bareilles. It's sweet, huh?[P6]
  • Rikki Rockett of Poison says some guy is dressing up like him and raping women in Mississippi. [TMZ]
  • Guy Ritchie's mom says the divorce rumors are "rubbish" [Hollyscoop]

Como Se Dice "Amazing"? [We Hate Your Kids]

Mexican High School Musical!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Key differences from the original: They've replaced the basketball dance sequence with "futbol", and it appears that there are fewer Jews in the cast.

Disappointments: Am I the only one who thought Mexican Zac Efron would be cuter?

Excitement: Mexican Ashley Tisdale has a much better nose job.

Next Stop: Bollywood!

[Via OhNoYouDidn't]

Maybe You Don’t Need To Chill Out [New York Times Magazine]

In the New York Times Magazine, Peggy Orenstein argues that stress has less to do with physical ailments than we think. She says it’s just another way of blaming people, primarily women, for their illnesses. This seems like a perfectly good reason to avoid going to yoga.[NYT Magazine]

Where Have All the Mid-Budget Rom-Coms Gone? [The Cinema]

Independent film exec Mark Gill went all Old Testament prophet at the LA Film Festival, predicting a funding famine for small and mid-sized films. A famine we haven't noticed yet because of the wealth of successful big budget films in theaters this summer. More fire, brimstone and Robert Downey Jr. after the jump.

The party responsible for the death of the small and mid-budget film, according to Gill, is democracy. The digital revolution has put the power to make films into the hands of every helot, resulting in a ten-fold increase in the number of submissions to Sundance every year. There has not been an corollary increase in quality.

Most of the films are flat-out awful,” said Mr. Gill, the head of the independent company The Film Department. “Trust me, I have had to sit through tons of them over the years. Let me put it another way: the digital revolution is here,” he said, and boy, is it underwhelming.

Similarly skeptical was one Robert Downey Jr.

What is creepy and obvious is that the market was suddenly flooded with morons who thought, ‘If I’ve got $500,000, I can make a baseball cap that has a company name on it and say I’m a filmmaker.

The strongest of the strong will survive and in fact prosper. But it will feel like we just survived a medieval plague. The carnage and the stench will be overwhelming.

I think we all know what that'll smell like.

The Cinema: Posthumous Oscar Watch [The Cinema]

Brad Brevet's review is enthusiastic about all aspects of the film, but saves his strongest praise for the man behind the Joker make-up.

Ledger's descent into what is and has become The Joker makes Jack Nicholson's interpretation look like nothing more than a simple clown. "Wait until they get a load of me," says Jack... Wait until you get a load of Heath

The language occasionally borders on the hagiographic, but his well measured appraisal of the rest of the film makes it believeable.

In terms of comic book film adaptations this is the pinnacle. The argument saying this is The Godfather Part II of comic book movies would insinuate that Batman Begins is on equal terms with the original Godfather, which is far from true. However, if we could call this The Godfather of comic book movies I wait anxiously for what may/will become the film that caps off the trilogy.

I really, really hope this is true. Some critics have suggested Heath might snag an Oscar nod, but I'm just praying for a good Batman movie.

Let's keep fingers crossed, the trailer looks promising enough.

And if not, we've always got Jack.

And, while we're tossing clips around: Batdance. Yes, Batdance.

Will They All Be As Bitchy As Heather Mills? [TV]

Britain, the place where horrible television is born, has determined to give Paul McCartney some rebound dating options with Britain's Missing Top Model, a modeling competition for women missing limbs. The amputee fetishists of a nation tremble in anticipation. Pictures and pathos after the jump.

McKerrow says that his approach is to get people (above all, the channel commissioners) to think: "You can't do that." Currently in production are: Naked Calendar (builders/nurses/teachers are challenged to bare all); My Life as a ... Pig (humans live like animals); and Boys and Girls (a gender experiment in which 12 girls and 12 boys live in separate villages, observed by their parents).

Surprisingly, Mr. McKerrow is not involved with the new G4 show where teens vomit on each other.

The Times has a generally negative review that does involve a truly bitchcakes synopsis of America's Next Top Model.

I have watched a 17-year-old with a fever trying to sit on an ice sculpture in a bikini, holding a snake, while Tyra Banks shouts “FIERCE EYES, Uniqua! FIERCE EYES!” from the sidelines. Modelling’s pretty tough.

But The Times fails to find the charm in a woman missing an elbow performing similar feats.

And here's Lilli, she's 20, from the South East of England, and I'm not sure what part of her is missing, but it's certainly not that gut.

Comments referencing land mine tragedy are encouraged!

[Guardian]

Please: Ask! Tell! [Gay]

The Canadian military's enthusiastic participation in Toronto Gay pride events provides yet more proof that they are winning at North American Democracy. Ten Canadian soldiers marched in this weekend's Toronto Pride Parade, and the Canadian Armed Forces set up an information booth to solicit recruits from the well-toned ranks of Canuck 'Mos. Between this, the ascendant Loonie, and the unstoppable appeal of Seth Rogen, it is now evident that Canada is destined to rule over us in glorious empire.[Metafilter]

One More Thing: The Greatest Gays of Film and TV [Nostalgia]

In celebration of Pride Weekend, let's share clips of a our favorite gay and lesbian performers and characters from the movies and television. Again, performers or characters both count—just so long as there's some gay in there. I'll get us rolling after the jump.

Madonna's Mother-in-Law Says There Will Be No Divorce [Divorce Pending]

Despite tons of tabloid speculation that Madonna and director Guy Ritchie are divorcing—she's been seen around NYC without her wedding ring or her husband!—Ritchie's mother is having none of it. Lady Amber Leighton is telling the gossips to STFU and declaring that the terror couple is just dandy. "It is absolute rubbish, worse than that. Guy will be furious at me talking to you, but I feel I can't just let these reports go unanswered as they make me so angry and they are hurtful intrusions into their private lives."

"They are no different to most other couples and we all know that being together can be hard sometimes and marriages are not always a bed of roses.

"But like other couples they work at keeping their relationship happy and fresh and they are a close and loving couple who have a family to bring up."

"Madonna is in New York at the moment finishing off a tour and he will join her there after the weekend. That is not a couple splitting up. I'll say it one more time, they are not getting divorced; the speculation is TT—that's total tosh." [Hollyscoop]

Daily Show Scribe Writes Book, Makes Video [Literature]

As a savvy media person, writer Rob Kutner knows that you can't sell books anymore without making some funny YouTube vids to promote it. Lucky for Kutner, he writes for The Daily Show, so he was able to get the program's Aasif Mandi and Kristen Schaal (who is lovely!) to work on it for him. Oh yeah, the book is called Apocalypse How, and the apocalyptic video is after the jump.

Hateful Scum Threaten Pride Weekend [Psa]

After the Pride Parade and all the happy partying that will follow, ride the trains in groups this evening because a man was attacked by gay-bashing thugs last night on the 2/3 train near the Christopher Street stop after volunteering at a Pride event. He says the police haven't caught his attackers. "The guy kept asking us to move because he didn't like us and [said] that we made him sick. There was no place else for us to go. He started hitting me and then his girlfriend started clawing me with her nails...I took a cab to St. Vincents, filed a police report and got two black eyes, 7 stitches, multiple chipped teeth, broken glasses." [Gothamist]

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