Gawker

One More Thing [Hey Now!]

ian spiegelman — Sun, 11 May 2008 13:54:06 EDT

Hallmark invented a holiday, which means I have to take off early today (But I will be drunkenly seeking refuge here from my Mom's computer room after a few minutes of family time) so I leave you with something I dearly love. From The Larry Sanders Show: "The Egging."

The Greatest Simpsons Celebrity Cameos [D'oh!]

ian spiegelman — Sun, 11 May 2008 13:36:05 EDT

Entertainment Weekly is ranking the best guest stars to appear on The Simpsons. How the hell did they miss Ron Howard and Mel Gibson? And Mr. Burns' whole ringer baseball team? See who else they snubbed here.

Kids' Drawings Made Real [Gallery]

ian spiegelman — Sun, 11 May 2008 13:29:44 EDT

Someone's taking children's scribbling and gussying them up with some kind of magical computure special effects. It think it's pretty nifty. However, I'm having tech woes and can't seem to publish more than one image in a post, so enjoy the gallery here. Stupid tech trouble.

O.J.'s Confession [True Crime]

ian spiegelman — Sun, 11 May 2008 13:02:48 EDT

Mike Gilbert, O.J. Simpson's former manager, has a tell-all coming out. According to an AP reporter who got an advance copy of the book, "He said Simpson had smoked pot, took a sleeping pill and was drinking beer when he confided at his Brentwood home weeks after his trial what happened the night of June 12, 1994. Simpson said he went to his ex- wife's condominium, but did not bring a knife with him. Simpson told him Nicole Brown Simpson had one in her hand when she opened the door."

"In a soft mumble, Simpson told him: 'If she hadn't opened that door with a knife in her hand ... she'd still be alive.'

"'Nothing more needed to be said,' Gilbert writes. 'O.J. had confessed to me. There's no doubt in my mind.'" [AP]

Awww 'NYT' Headline Writers Think They Work Here [Adorbs!]

ian spiegelman — Sun, 11 May 2008 12:33:11 EDT

What does it say about a story when an editor at The New York Times resorts to snark? Is this part of that whole Times loosening up thing? Is it a way to soften the blow of a really wordy article on a topic that no one seems to know anything about? Take this, for instance.

"In recent weeks, some analysts have started to talk about prices rising to $200 a barrel. But not everyone is so glum. Some experts say that today’s prices have resulted from a speculative bubble that is increasingly disconnected from reality. Energy economists at Lehman Brothers argue, for instance, that oil prices are just as likely to fall to $80 a barrel as they are to rise to $200 a barrel." [NYT]

Happy Mother's Day! [Listicles]

ian spiegelman — Sun, 11 May 2008 12:10:39 EDT

From dirty pillows to wire hangers, Rotten Tomatoes is rating the worst moms in movie history, complete with video goodness. Oh, they list the best moms too, but so what? My personal choice after the jump.

How Web 3.0 Will Work [The Future Is Meh]

ian spiegelman — Sun, 11 May 2008 11:18:05 EDT

I still don't understand what Web 2.0 is, but the next version is coming and I fear it. I don't want my MacBook getting inside my head—hell, even I don't want to be in there! "[T]he Web 3.0 browser will act like a personal assistant. As you search the Web, the browser learns what you are interested in. The more you use the Web, the more your browser learns about you and the less specific you'll need to be with your questions. Eventually you might be able to ask your browser open questions like 'where should I go for lunch?' Your browser would consult its records of what you like and dislike, take into account your current location and then suggest a list of restaurants."

"Some Internet experts believe the next generation of the Web — Web 3.0 — will make tasks like your search for movies and food faster and easier. Instead of multiple searches, you might type a complex sentence or two in your Web 3.0 browser, and the Web will do the rest. In our example, you could type "I want to see a funny movie and then eat at a good Mexican restaurant. What are my options?" The Web 3.0 browser will analyze your response, search the Internet for all possible answers, and then organize the results for you." [HowStuffWorks]

Brits Still Obsessed With Heather Mills [Get Over It]

ian spiegelman — Sun, 11 May 2008 11:01:57 EDT

Once upon a time Heather Mills had the audacity to marry Paul McCartney and a funny island nation got really, really upset about it. So upset that they're still coming up with stuff like this: "Heather Mills has been accused of breaking a promise to a disabled mother whose artificial legs she promised to pay for. The 40-year-old ex-wife of Sir Paul McCartney — who herself has an artificial after she was hit by a car in 1993 — met Maria Rybkina, who was left tragically disabled in a train accident, in her Moscow flat four years ago. Heather promised 28-year-old Maria a personal donation of $20,000 to provide her with new artificial legs, but it has now been claimed that the former glamor model never handed over the cash, despite repeated promises to do so."

"Mariah is now able to walk again after she received the help of British couple Robin and Inna Barratt, who launched a fund-raising campaign on her behalf. 'Heather rang us and emailed us repeatedly with promises to pay for Maria’s legs,' Robin tells Britain’s News of The World newspaper. 'But every single promise she made fell flat. In the end, she never did anything at all [...] all her big promises came to nothing. It was shocking behavior.'” [ShowbizSpy]

More on the Furious Scrubs Debate [Haters]

ian spiegelman — Sun, 11 May 2008 10:55:13 EDT

Man, people are just hating on my fun little hospital comedy! "[J]udging by the season just completed, 'Scrubs' may have been best left out to pasture: Here is a show perpetually pleased with itself and running dry on innovations. J.D. (Zach Braff) and Elliot (Sarah Chalke) continued their non-consummation. Turk (Donald Faison) and Carla (Judy Reyes) continued their hungry sexuality. A baby failed to truly mellow Dr. Cox (John C. McGinley), and a girlfriend failed to sandpaper the rough edges off the Janitor (Neil Flynn).

"As for last week's season finale, well, that was strange, no? Originally scheduled to air earlier in the season, which accounts for the heavy presence of Dr. Kelso (Ken Jenkins), who a couple of weeks ago told Sacred Heart Hospital they could take his job and shove it, it centered on a fairy tale told by Dr. Cox to his young son as a bedtime story. As a narrative innovation, it ranked nowhere near the "Scrubs" musical episode (a hackneyed trick, but a good one) — essentially, it was a regular episode of the show, with the addition of numerous hours of costume and makeup. Not clever, just cute.

"Once, 'Scrubs' felt fantastical even without gimmickry. The humor was quick, and the characters had texture, Braff delivered genuine pathos beneath his simpering exterior, and Faison has been among the most guileless comedic actors on television.

"This season, though, their relationship became rote, and even they knew it. In several episodes, they openly struggled against the very nature of their freewheeling bond, especially since they're both young fathers — maturity may be out of reach for them, but thinking about it isn't. (Plus, the race-baiting jokes are becoming a bit much — y'all no longer get a pass just because Turk is black.)

"Braff's continued work on the show is reminiscent of Ashton Kutcher's labors on late-period 'That '70s Show.' In the acting, to be sure — both boiled their characters down to a few key tics, easy to deliver on cue — but also in the relatively quiet accumulation of wealth while they elsewhere aim for holier artistic pastures. "Garden State" was a moment, but the "Scrubs" checks will never die — it's a pretty good hustle." [LAT]

Jerk.

'Weekend Update' With Vlad and Niko [Video]

ian spiegelman — Sun, 11 May 2008 09:45:38 EDT

Grand Theft Auto IV has the residents of Liberty City pissed. Last night, Vlad and Niko showed up on Saturday Night Live to complain about the stereotypical way Rock Star Games has represented their home town.

One More Thing [New Classic]

ian spiegelman — Sat, 10 May 2008 17:30:42 EDT

Yeah, yeah, I know, Zach Braff gets on people's nerves. But, know what? Scrubs is still one of my favorite sitcoms ever! And this week I was all mopey because I believed the lies NBC was spreading that Thursday's episode was the "the final Scrubs" when actually it's just moving to ABC. So, here is one of my all-time favest Scrubs gags. What's yours?

Indy Hater Had Conflict of Interest [Update]

ian spiegelman — Sat, 10 May 2008 17:08:47 EDT

The anonymous jerk who blasted Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull on Ain't It Cool News "is a theater executive who saw the film at an exhibitors’ screening this week. He spoke on condition of anonymity to avoid reprisal from the studio." Problem? "Theater executives may have an incentive to play down a movie’s prospects after such a screening, to get better terms." You see? This movie is going to be awesome! [NYT]

Sponsor Drops Workout Over 'Negative Icon'-Gate [Jackie Warner]

ian spiegelman — Sat, 10 May 2008 16:14:39 EDT

Jackie Warner, star of Bravo's Workout and lesbian fantasy girlfriend to straight women everywhere, is in trouble for being mean on the show and getting called "a negative icon to the gay community." In response to complaints from Warner's former fans, salty green water purveyor and Workout sponsor Gatorade is ending its relationship with the program. The sports-drink giant told the angry mob: "We have notified Bravo we no longer wish to be associated with The Workout and will be pulling our commercials. Furthermore, we will not renew our sponsorship of this program in subsequent seasons." But wait! A new sponsor has stepped forward!

Sneak Peek at The Hills Season Finale [The Hills]

ian spiegelman — Sat, 10 May 2008 16:05:49 EDT

OMG! The final episode—for now!—of MTV's semi-reality trainwreck The Hills is almost here and who can wait? I have no idea what's going on, but Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt sure do look shouty and angry! Watch it here. [via OhNoTheyDidn't]

Times Publisher and Wife Split [Break-ups]

ian spiegelman — Sat, 10 May 2008 15:53:43 EDT

"Arthur Sulzberger Jr., chairman of The New York Times Company, and his wife, Gail Gregg, have decided to separate, they said in a statement issued Friday. Mr. Sulzberger, 56, who is also publisher of The Times, and Ms. Gregg, also 56 and a painter and writer, said the decision to end their marriage was amicable."

“'We have made the difficult decision to separate after 33 years of marriage,' their brief statement said. 'We are fortunate to have the love and support of our two children, other family members and close friends and colleagues. This is a private matter and we will not discuss it further.'

"The couple have two grown children. In February, Mr. Sulzberger transferred ownership of the family’s apartment on Central Park West to his wife."

Anyway, that's what the Times is going with. Post? Daily News? Some dirt, please?

Murdoch Loses Newsday Bid [Ha-Ha!]

ian spiegelman — Sat, 10 May 2008 14:43:11 EDT

"News Corporation, the global media conglomerate controlled by Rupert Murdoch, is withdrawing its bid to purchase Newsday. The withdrawal of the bid was first reported on the Web site of The Wall Street Journal, which is owned by the News Corporation.The bid withdrawal appears to be a reversal from Wednesday, when in the News Corporation’s earnings conference call Mr. Murdoch voiced skepticism that Cablevision could succeed in its bid for Newsday, even as he vowed not to get into a bidding war for the newspaper, which was at the center of a tussle among three New York moguls."

"Mr. Murdoch spoke on the call with Wall Street analysts and the press after the release of quarterly earnings from the News Corporation, the global media conglomerate he controls. On the call, he said, 'No, I don’t think Cablevision will prevail; just be patient for a couple days.'

"Several weeks ago it appeared that News Corporation had a tentative deal to buy Newsday, based on Long Island, for about $580 million, but two other bidders have come forward.

"Mortimer B. Zuckerman, the owner of The Daily News, matched Mr. Murdoch’s offer, while Cablevision, the Long Island cable operator that also owns Madison Square Garden and the New York Knicks and Rangers, was a late entrant but upped the ante to $650 million." [NYT]

Also? Murdoch gave bubonic plague to three of the Seven Dwarves.

"You Probably Live in Yorkville" [Glaring Omissions]

ian spiegelman — Sat, 10 May 2008 14:27:44 EDT

Glaring Omissions reproduces tips received from readers in the last week that weren't covered on Gawker, either by accident (it happens!) or by design (that happens more often).

"You write about the McKibben lofts like a pussy. Was it that you got rejected by some hipster girl who lives there and you seek retribution by spewing your hate for the place on your lame fucking blog. I don't even live there, but I know you're nothing but little cunt. Oh, poor, poor Ryan Tate. You probably live in Yorkville you fucking assclown."

From Paul Janka's Ex [Douchebags]

ian spiegelman — Sat, 10 May 2008 13:52:11 EDT

Sure, it's one thing to watch sad, sad man Paul Janka make an ass of himself on Dr. Phil. But no matter how much you shout at the screen, he can't hear you. Well, problem solved. Comedian Heather Fink, who briefly dated Janka until he answered his door tossing-off, helpfully informs us that Janka will be at The Cake Shop on Ludlow Street Monday night at 8:00. As part of a comedy show? After the jump, Fink tells Dr. Phil all about what romance with a gross person is like.

Former 'WSJ' Editor Notes Rupert's 'Dark Side' [The Tragedy Of Darth Plagueis]

ian spiegelman — Sat, 10 May 2008 13:10:24 EDT

Former Wall Street Journal managing editor Paul Steiger was tapped to write News Corp. Chairman Rupert Murdoch's profile in Time's "100 Most Influential People" feature. So what does Steiger, who retired from the Journal last year after handing it over to Murdoch—who is evil—think of the media baron?

"There is, to be sure, a darker side to Murdoch's influence and legacy. He has at times subordinated the journalism operations he controls to further his own business interests, undermining their credibility if not their long-term profitability. His own test of journalism sometimes seems to be what sells—no less but also no more. Yet Fox News, which many liberals decry as a conservative political pander by Murdoch, is actually best understood as a product designed to fill an untapped market niche in video news. It succeeded brilliantly.

"A return to his roots and a victory lap of sorts, acquiring the Journal poses for Murdoch perhaps his greatest test as a publisher. He aspires to make money and extend the paper's reach while maintaining its prestige—a tall order, even for him." [Time]

Also? I once saw Murdoch eat a baby pony. [Disclaimer: I hate Rupert Murdoch.]

Battlestar Galactica: Killfest! [Battlestar Galactica]

ian spiegelman — Sat, 10 May 2008 12:16:43 EDT

What happened this week on The Sci-Fi Channel's space disco Battlestar Galactica? I dunno. I was blotto and thinking about Smurfs. But I took notes, as always. There was more shooting than usual, which is always nice. After the jump, spoilers! Maybe!

Step to Blonde Tomboy Space Girl, get kneecapped. Now you know.
Don't take Pretty Asian Cyclon with you to meet the rebels! She just tried to mutiny your ass!
President GetDead is bald, Chief Fatty Q. Workingstiff is bald... What's with all the baldness, baldies?
When did Smokey Assistant Crazypants get all calm and professional? I smell a trap!
So does Blonde Tomboy Space Girl...
The comet is the ship? Dunno what that means but it makes Blonde Tomboy Space Girl all giggly and cute!
Ack! Cyclons!
Oooo... Good Pretty Asian Cyclon and Rebel Asian Cyclons slumber party!
Mutiny against Bleachy Cyclon!
Oh Bleachy, you can't go around beating humans to death like that. They don't even have goo baths.
Bleachy and Red Cyclon lesbian make-out! Kiss goodbye. Ouch.
Oh man, and no goo bath ship! Bye Bleachy Cyclon.
The Hybrid! Meh.
"The missing three will give you the five who have come from the home of the thirteenth." Wha?
"You are the harbinger of death, Kara Three." Kara Three? More Blonde Tomboy Space Girls? Where do I get one?!
"Mission Accomplished"? Are you gettin' funny on me?

'TNR' Mocks Author, Goes on Forever [Deep Thoughts]

ian spiegelman — Sat, 10 May 2008 11:20:33 EDT

Novelist Nicholson Baker's new non-fiction tome, Human Smoke, details World War II through a series of wispy, "Gawker-like vignettes" of 100 to 200 words each. The New Republic's Anne Applebaum thinks that approach is crap.

See for yourself!

From the Freaky Brain of Michael 'Pooch' Pucciarelli [Gallery]

ian spiegelman — Sat, 10 May 2008 10:39:30 EDT

Just in time for Mother's Day, a collection of paintings by pop-art psychopants Michael Pucciarelli is available for your viewing pleasure. What's it have to do with Mother's Day? I dunno, ask my shrink. Oh, wait, I don't have one! Some faves after the jump.

[MDolla]

Fox Newser Fired for Stating the Obvious [Hypocrite Bastards]

ian spiegelman — Sat, 10 May 2008 10:21:24 EDT

If you're a talking head with no background in journalism to speak of and you work at News Corp.'s Fox News Channel, by all means feel free to lie your silly ass off about anyone who disagrees with you all while glibly maintaining that you have no strong ties to the Republican party. If you're a young production assistant at that depraved stinkhole, do not reveal in passing that you voted Republican. Because the pricks you work for will fire you.

"A 24-year-old Fox News Channel production assistant was fired this morning for something she said during the red carpet arrivals at the Time 100 Gala last night.

"Insiders tell us the assistant, identified as Jennifer Locke, was on assignment with a camera crew to cover the entertainment angle of the event. When Sen. John McCain walked by, the assistant said, 'I voted for you in the primary, you're going to win.'

"McCain was overheard saying to her, 'You're not supposed to reveal that.' Locke apparently continued to explain that she is the daughter of a Vietnam veteran.

"Insiders who were at the event were surprised and shocked to hear the disclosure, which was recorded on videotape. A Fox News insider called it 'journalistically unacceptable.' An FNC spokesperson would not comment on the personnel matter but did confirm Locke is no longer with the company, where she'd worked for a couple of years. [MediaBistro]

Is the New Indiana Jones Going to Suck? [Oh Nooes!]

ian spiegelman — Sat, 10 May 2008 09:35:33 EDT

Early buzz over Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is kind of pooh. First, co-star John Hurt bad-mouthed the flick and executive producer George Lucas to the Times of London, saying, "It's cops-and-robbers stuff. And it's all to make Mr. Lucas an extra billion, as if he needs it." Now the basement-dwelling fanboys at Ain't It Cool News are crying like a bunch of YouTube commenters.

"This is the Indiana movie that you were dreading [...] There was not a single moment that I thought [Indy] . . . was in any sort of peril or even significant inconvenience.' A big snake that appears in one scene is 'as crappy as a Mad TV prop' and it 'looks like the whole jungle was made of plastic.' As far as Ford's dialogue goes, 'he has a few lines that work and a million that don't.'" [P6]

I'm not too worried. I haven't believed anything on that site since they gushed all over Daredevil.

Jurors 'Uncomfortable' With R. Kelly [Law & Order]

ian spiegelman — Sat, 10 May 2008 09:22:49 EDT

Poor R. Kelly. All the R & B singer did was maybe videotape himself having sex with a peeing on the face of a girl as young as 13 and now he faces 15 years in prison. Well, Mr. Kelly met his prospective jury this week and it did not go well. "Some of the potential jurors looked uncomfortable, and at least a few placed their hands over their eyes as the judge read some of the more graphic sections of the indictments, said Verna Sadock, a sketch artist who was in the room."

"Before jury selection began Friday, [Circuit Judge Vincent] Gaughan denied a defense motion to again postpone the trial because of intense publicity surrounding the case, appearing to accept arguments from the prosecution that jury selection could weed out any tainted jurors.

"But defense attorney Marc Martin said the jury pool had been 'irrevocably poisoned' by a front-page story in Friday's Chicago Sun-Times that cited unnamed sources talking about a potential witness.

"Many of the potential jurors would have read the article on the way to the courthouse, Martin said. 'There is no escaping the fact that the Sun-Times will be in every news box in Cook County,' said Martin, adding that the contents of the story were also broadcast on TV and radio stations. 'I heard it when I was putting on my tie this morning.'

"'Somebody out there is trying to sabotage Mr. Kelly's right to a fair trial,' Martin said. As he arrived at the courthouse Friday morning, Kelly didn't acknowledge the crowd outside as he walked through a special entrance. One raucous onlooker shouted 'I love you'; another shouted 'R. Kelly's a pedophile.'" [AP]

The Week Obama Won the Internet [Week In Review]

Pareene — Fri, 09 May 2008 19:33:04 EDT

Everyone hates Priya Venkatesan and everyone wants to bone David Willey.
Some of us have never even seen this show but still, wtf.
The blogs will save New York as they destroy it from the inside.
Matt Drudge threw Hillary Clinton under the blogs. Barack Obama is your new man now, dog. There will be stickers.
Star Jones is mean, but no longer fat. Lindsay Lohan is clean, but no longer... well, she's probably not actually clean.
Why doesn't the Times tell us what she really thinks?
Wednesday was a terrible, terrible day for America.
Bloggers are in trouble. Also they're gullible.
Things are bad at Hachette. And in West Virginia. And maybe on 30 Rock?
Gross.

Chris Matthews and the Legend of the Reddish Skull [Sad]

Pareene — Fri, 09 May 2008 18:23:39 EDT

So Chris Matthews' new hair. It's... odd. Off-putting, at first. But doesn't it remind you of something? The hair, perhaps, of another man? A man who might hold the very job that Chris Matthews covets so dearly? Almost, Chris. Almost. [HuffPo]

PR Pitch Of The Day []

Hamilton Nolan — Fri, 09 May 2008 17:44:10 EDT

Rudy Giuliani stopped to piss at Nespresso Boutique Bar in Manhattan today. According to a flack, who found this information worthwhile enough to blast out to the world via email, "he promised to return and sample Nespresso's coffee drinks another day." Nespresso: good enough for a fascist to piss in, though their coffee sucks.

College Is About Lessons For A Lifetime []

Hamilton Nolan — Fri, 09 May 2008 17:35:42 EDT

Adweek got its hands on a leaked copy of an internal investigation from Hunter College about the school's shady Coach-sponsored PR class teaching kids how to be dishonest corporate shills, which we covered earlier this week. They say it was a bad idea! For a more detailed summary, go read the story. [Adweek]

"I just invited everyone in my Outlook Contact sheet. And you were in there!!" [Reply All]

Hamilton Nolan — Fri, 09 May 2008 17:14:19 EDT

Boa-sporting Mediabistro.com proprietress Laurel Touby continues unabated in her menacing campaign to misuse email—an invention originally designed to simplify communications. Her latest infraction: in order to promote an upcoming "Mediabistro Circus," she decided to save a little time by sending a mass email to her entire contact list—all 2,000 people. The message starts off with an apology to those who "hate my guts," which is a good sign that perhaps it would be better to pursue a different outreach strategy. The entire ill-conceived email, after the jump.

Okay,
This is a little embarrassing. Please bear with me if you:

a) are a former lover
b) haven't heard from me in years
or c) hate my guts

My conference director asked me to "invite friends" to get a special
discount on the Mediabistro Circus we're doing May 20-21 — and I realized
that my list is over 2,000 people long, so I just invited everyone in my
Outlook Contact sheet. And you were in there!!

In any case, the conference is going to be AWEsome. It's our first
conference and I'm excited about it because it's shaping up to be exactly
what I wanted it to be: two days of inspired programming designed to bring
very senior-level media people up to speed on what's happening in digital
media.

[Pitch here for "Circus" REDACTED]

So far, we're expecting about 300 very senior-level people (CEOs, SVPs,
EICs, Creative Directors, etc) and I'd really love to have you there, too.
That is, if you are still my friend after this :) Let me know if you're
interested and I'll get you some sort of friends 'n' family discount.

Questions? Email me back. Complaints.... er, email me back those, too.

Love,

Laurel

[Confidential to Laurel: May be wise to remove Nick Denton from Outlook contact sheet.]

Former Newspaper Editor: Stop Caring About Newspapers [Print Is Dead]

Pareene — Fri, 09 May 2008 17:13:10 EDT

Tim McGuire used to edit the Minneapolis Star & Tribune. Now he gives cranky speeches about journalism. He recently told the Northwest International Circulation Executives that they have to "make their own sandwiches," which is maybe code for something. Or maybe literal! He goes on to say that thousands of newspapers will soon die but let's not worry about it, they were weak and deserved to go. Also: Thomas Friedman wrote a "tremendously important book" so you really don't have to take anything he says seriously. [McGuire on Media via Romenesko]

"You Bite the Very Short Asian Girl On the Neck..." [The Commies]

Richard — Fri, 09 May 2008 17:08:00 EDT

The big news of the week (for me, what are "primaries"?) was Gossip Girl's epic stunner of an episode in which, in the thumping crazy final seconds, we discovered that newly pious Serena van der Woodsen was a murderer. Murder! Big news! The news today is, as it is every Friday, that, like a pack of crazed blond millionaires, you guys continue to slay us. (This is the worst introduction ever, I realize. But I'm all nerves about this "Summit" tonight and can't think straight.) So after the jump, find six of the week's best tippy-typing.

From fiveinchtaint in Animal Sacrifices Still Popular Among Young Urbanites:
"I knew Rudolph was a fucking robot. Magic my ass." - Blitzen [Sheila's pick]

From lawyergay in Starbucks Doesn't Have Any God Damn Lemons:
"To: Starbucks Executive VP for Global Strategy
From: lawyergay
Re: How to Cut Lemons

1. Grasp a knife with a "handshake" grip in your dominant hand, holding the lemon in the other.

2. Placing the blade perpendicular to the fruit, make repeated downward sawing motions until the lemon has been divided into two roughly equal halves.

3. Insert knife in eye." [Hamilton's pick]

From Nunaurbiz in Woman Wants Six Figures For Alleged Lohan Coat Theft:
"FYI, in case anyone cares: The dead minks have voted and they want their old owner back."

From CodePink in Symptoms of Hipsterdom Revealed:
"You talk loudly while your roommate is watching American Idol saying "This is like the apocalypse, the end of music itself" and then your roommate kindly reminds you of the "no talking during tv" rule. You apologize, half-heartedly and get another glass of leftover plum wine. You look out your window and see an old chair in the alley. It is the shittiest looking chair you have ever seen. You want it. You go to the alley. You pick up the chair. Suddenly, you notice there is a cat who has been hiding under the chair You pick up the cat. It bites you. The cat is rabid. Now so are you. You throw the cat in the garbage. Suddenly, you develop an aversion to water. You put a DON'T TAKE SHOWERS, YO sign on the bathroom door. You start drooling and snarling whilst waiting for the L train. This gets you a date with an Asian chick. On the date, you bite the very short Asian girl on the neck. She says "Kinky" but the next day she is throwing away her Brita as she is also rabid. You both start a band called RABID. Your ex-roommate hears about your gig at Galapagos. She goes to the gig, shoots you both with a rifle because you "needed to be put down", not because of the rabies, but because you're so FUCKING ANNOYING."

From DonPardoCalrissian in "I Love the Ghetto": Bushwick Hipsters Explain Their Outfits:
" 'Are you taking my picture? I'm so glassily hip I don't even know what that means. My uncle's a unicorn and I came out of my mother's wee-wee.' "

Your Party Pick this week goes to the always awe-inspiring InOtherNews..., who wove a scintillating tale of liquor and licentiousness in Saturday Night:
"Photography. A magical medium. For instance, did you really know what Aunt Thelma was doing in Boca Raton one glorious Friday night in 1964? The "accidental poke" from a local gasoline station attendant named Billy? It was more than that. The reverse peristalsis into the waste receptacle that forever sealed "Vomiting Vivian"'s nomenclatural fate? The top-shelf liquor collection, prized by your uncle Ted, that one night disappeared into a burlap sack, hurried out of the china cabinet and into a room in the Stark Feather Inn on Viola Drive? The carpet, said the housekeeping staff, was smartly saved from a terrible fate. The sheets, the pillows, the headboard, all imbued with the scent of sex, sweat and geriatry. The ceiling fan which blew coolly onto several naked buttocks thrusting up and down into the tepid, smoke-tinged air. Vivian, Billy and Thelma were the loudest that night, said the couple in Room 215, the lady in Room 219, the teenaged acoustic band in Room 117, and the visitors from Abu Dhabi in Room 317. Security guards visited several times that evening: the clatter of billy clubs and tin shields and ruffled shirts would cause the moans to pause; the banging to cease; the groans to subside. To the door, the guards would press their ears, then gently walk away. And the fucking, pure fucking, would resume. It was clear Vivian was happy: this was her birthday gift. But was she jealous of Thelma? Perhaps, because it was all over her that Billy came. An illustrious ejaculation, surpassed only by St. Helens' two decades later, and Washington State was so far away. So Vivian gave Billy no choice: he would have to come again.

Perhaps it was the lime slice she kept under her tongue. "To make it interesting," she said, "and because I want it to hurt a little." Billy delivered once more, and Vivian, usually of the fortitude of the schist that formed Manhattan Island, collapsed. The contents of her aged stomach churned, stirred perhaps by the salty burst: beef stroganoff, a quaff of Pabst, cherry Life Savers bought from the lobby gift shop. Thelma, realizing the great misfortune the carpet was about to suffer, thought to quickly position a trashbin at the foot of the bed. Vivian, doubled over, took a little while. In the meantime, Thelma, a little disgusted, a little emboldened, went to explore the selection of tonic. Billy, done, zipped up, buttoned a few, and noticed the man with the camera.

He toasted.

Thelma saw a friend outside the window.

Vivian hurled.

And the man with the camera, the unwitting artiste, captured a fleeting moment in history, preserving it for no-one in particular but you, my precious child. "

Good work, everyone. Have lovely, hipster-free weekends.

The "End of Williamsburg"? [Shut Up, Brooklyn]

Sheila — Fri, 09 May 2008 16:59:31 EDT

New Williamsburg transplant and former Gawker Joshy Stein (he lets me call him that) witnessed the mauling of the Bedford Avenue street sign and a traffic light by a dump truck last night. And then what happened? "Finally, I called 3-1-1. They said they couldn't help me but transferred me to 9-1-1..."

"They didn't know where Havemeyer was. I hung up and jogged to another cop car parked at the Williamsburg Bridge Bus Depot. 'There's a street sign that a dump truck just crashed into. It's in the middle of Broadway and Bedford,' I said. 'Oh yeah?' asked the cop. The cops just sat there. Then another cop car pulled up and they chatted for a while." [My Memoirs via Curbed]

Foxy Brown Pleads Guilty to Cell-Phone Menacing [Fights]

Sheila — Fri, 09 May 2008 16:37:40 EDT

How does one go about "menacing a neighbor with [a] cell phone," as the AP reports of Brooklyn rapper Foxy Brown? The AP does not explain. The fight started with Foxy "blasting her car stereo" outside the building. (This scuffle is not to be confused with last year's fight with a manicurist.)