Already, by writing this title, I’m sure I’ve annoyed a few people. Extroversion is supposed to be a personality trait, not something you pick, but something you were born with. That might be true. But even if you are fairly introverted, I think you can still capture some of the best parts of being an extrovert:

1. Being comfortable with groups of people.
2. Meeting people easily.
3. Having conversations without wondering what to say.

I used to be incredibly introverted. My social life was lagging behind and I used to blame it on my personality. While I can’t claim to be an expert in charisma, I have made big improvements towards the three skills I mentioned earlier. Best of all, I still get to keep the best parts of being an introvert, like being able to focus during time alone.

How to Boost Your Extroversion

I found there were a couple of key steps I took that helped me learn the best parts of being an extrovert, without changing my personality. Everyone needs to take their own path, but hopefully by sharing the steps that worked for me, you boost your extroversion as well.

The most obvious first step is simply to spend more time with people. If you feel uncomfortable in social situations, that’s probably because you aren’t in them frequently. This advice is so obvious it hardly deserves mention, but it’s a step few decided introverts take on. If you aren’t extroverted, you won’t feel motivated to meet people, and if you don’t feel motivated to meet people, you can’t become extroverted. It’s an unfortunate Catch-22 that can stall self improvement.

If you feel stuck in this cycle of isolation, I think there are two main places you can break it. Both strategies work, and doing both at the same time might be your best option.

Find Social Activities You Enjoy

One barrier that forces many people to be introverted is if they don’t see any enjoyable social activities around them. If you don’t like going to bars, and all the people you know are party animals, you might feel happier staying in.

Realizing this was a big step in helping me become more extroverted. I realized that there were certain events and groups of people I could be a lot more outgoing with. There were other people who I didn’t connect with. You won’t connect with everyone, so finding different groups of people is a good starting point.

The best way to find new groups of people are through clubs, volunteering or small classes. Activities with a sign-up sheet. Although you can meet people anywhere, it’s way easier to connect with people if you already have a shared interest and you’re in an environment designed to help you meet new people.

Push Your Comfort Zone Limits

The second strategy to become outgoing is to crush any social fears you have. Everyone has limits at what they consider too gutsy. For extreme extroverts, these limits are pushed far back. For introverts, they might be a lot closer. Pushing your comfort zone backwards makes it easier to socialize.

Once you’ve gone past your comfort zone, it’s easier to do it again. Last year, when I moved to a new building, I took the initiative to go around and say hello to everyone. This is something that would have terrified me four years ago, but was only a mild fear at that time. A month ago, when I moved again, I did the same thing. This time the introductions were even easier to do.

My philosophy is to do the smallest step possible. Don’t beat yourself up if introducing yourself to hundreds of strangers in one day seems terrifying. Build up to it by slowly picking bigger challenges. The key to this tactic is to find the intermediate step between what terrifies you and what you do every day.

Learn the Art of Talking

Listening is an important skill. It is probably even more important than talking. However, if you’re in a conversation and you’re fighting an awkward silence, listening only magnifies that fact. Another skill to become extroverted is to be able to talk non-stop.

In practice, you won’t want to talk non-stop. In fact, the best conversations I’ve had are when I do little of the talking. But, as a reformed introvert, I can say that the worst feeling is standing in a group of people and having nothing to say. Even if you don’t speak all the time, having the ability to do so gives you a lot more confidence in social situations.

You can get the gift of gab by learning to continue conversations even when you aren’t sure what to say. Just say anything. Although you may feel awkward, usually any conversation attempts will be good enough. If you can practice this, then you’ll always have a backup in case the conversation hits a road block.

The Joy of Introversion

I’ve been promoting the side of being an extrovert, but there are benefits to introversion. As an introvert, you can get the benefits of peak productivity while working by yourself. Solitude is also useful for thinking and creative work, so being introverted can enhance your other skills.

The ideal way to live is to capture the best of both. To have the social skills of an extrovert with the quiet discipline and peace of mind of an introvert. If you can do that, who cares what a personality test says you are?

Image by B D Solis .

Talking is such a natural act we tend to take it for granted. But when you think about it, this life skill is crucial to the development and maintenance of strong and healthy relationships. Our talking habits can also be very revealing of our personality. Some people talk too much - they are the kind of people you try to avoid at a party. Others avoid talking when actually it would help quite a lot.The following are a few suggestions for getting the right balance between being a talkative bore and a shy recluse.

When We Talk Too Much

Nervousness / Insecurity

Sometimes we talk out of insecurity and nervousness. We feel it is our obligation to fill any silence with conversation - even if it is mostly meaningless and conversation just for the sake of it. Often, if we lack a sense of inner poise, we cover up by nervously chattering. But if we have nothing interesting, worthwhile or important to say, we should not worry about keeping quiet. Don’t feel obliged to force conversation; be at peace with yourself and allow conversation to be natural.

Talking About Yourself

Talking about yourself is the biggest mistake people tend to make. There is someone at work who is terrible at talking about himself and his activities. If you go to ask for a paper clip, you will have to endure several minutes of hearing about his recent camping holiday. Do matter how much you fidget and signal that you are completely bored - he won’t stop his monologue. All you want is a paper clip, but you have to endure the tedious exploits of an Englishman camping in Provence.

The general rule for talking is that we talk to serve others not ourselves. When talking we should be offering something to the other person such as humor, information, consolation, entertainment… basically anything so long as it is worthwhile for the other person. But, if we talk only about ourselves and feed our ego, we might as well just be talking to ourselves.

Hint, look at people’s body language. If they are trying to make an exit, if they have their head in their hands, if they are staring off into the distance, or if they keep trying to butt in, it means they are bored with your monologue on your recent camping holiday. You can rest your vocal chords.

Gossip

Talking about people’s bad qualities, perhaps even exaggerating their mistakes and foibles, is a bad habit. It is unfortunate that social and work situations often lead to people gossiping about others. However, just because everyone else is doing it, doesn’t mean we have to join in. The problem is that we often get sucked in to criticizing others when inwardly we would rather not join in. This is a situation where there is no harm in keeping silent. People will respect someone who can remain aloof from gossipy situations. If you criticize others at the earliest opportunity you will not be trusted, but gain a reputation as an unreliable friend. It is in situations like this where there is a great dignity in maintaining silence.

Running Commentary Watching TV / Video

Sometimes a good film can be spoiled by a ‘know it all’ who feels obliged to offer a running commentary. One of my favorite films - Lord of the Rings part II was ruined because two friends had a running argument about whether it was true to the book. “But, Gandalf’s horse wasn’t white in the book….” “Yes, but, I’m sure the Elf’s ears weren’t as pointy as that.” Does it really matter? Do everyone a favor and let us enjoy the film. One other example: the last football world cup was painful enough with England playing badly; but, it was made infinitely worse because my good friends persistent and repetitive criticism of the 4-5-1 formation. When things go badly, it is not necessary to repeatedly point them out, it only makes our suffering worse.

When You Have Nothing Good To Say

My Mother used to say. “If you can’t think of anything good to say about someone, then say nothing.” Useful advice, but, how many people put it into practice?

When We Talk Too Little

Ignoring Newcomers Because it is Too Much Effort

It is easy to become insular, we want to only talk to people whom we know. We tend to ignore newcomers because it requires extra effort and it requires us to step out of our comfort zone. However, this is a case where it is good to make an effort. Newcomers will appreciate our effort to extend a hand of friendship. By not talking to new people we become more self absorbed in a small circle of people. We should be willing to talk to new people and make them feel welcome.

Resentment

In How to Resolve Conflicts in Your Relationships , one suggestion I made was that it is a big mistake to bottle up resentment about other people. If we have grievances about someone else it is often helpful to talk, even if it is not about the problem directly. Talking often helps to clear the air and realize that small misunderstandings are just that - misunderstandings and not a reason to develop a dislike of the person. As long as we talk with a good attitude, without anger and resentment then talking will help to alleviate many situations.

Aloofness